The mother-daughter bond can be a relationship made in heaven. However, during the daughter’s adolescent years, the sweet-tempered girl you nurtured from birth may undergo a radical change. You, her loving mother, may become her biggest enemy. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Following on from Walking the Mother-Daughter Tightrope (1) and (2), let’s look at some more tips on how to make this second “birthing” process, the birth of a new relationship, a less traumatic one.
1. Trust your daughter enough to let her make her own mistakes. You’ve taught her right from wrong all through her childhood. You’ve shown by words and actions that you love her deeply. Now is the time for you to go on a steep learning curve and let her make her own mistakes. Just as she is learning to be an adult, you have to step back and let her learn how to do just that.
Of course, it is okay to give your opinion as to a particular topic, you are entitled to do so. But we parents must understand that our soon-to-be adult offspring have a right to their opinion also. Some teenagers will constantly come to you asking for advice. Don’t always rush in to offer your years of wisdom to them. Let them learn to think for themselves. Ask them what they think is the best thing to do. You may agree with their ideas, you may not. Trust that you have done a good enough parenting job that they will make the right decision 80 % of the time. We don’t demand 100% of ourselves, so getting upset over one bad decision by our offspring does not make a lot of rational sense. Besides, we learn much more from our mistakes than our successes. Give your teenager the gift of your love in the form of being free to make their own errors.
2. Take care not to be overly critical. Finding out that your daughter is doing things of which you do not approve is a great test of your own maturity. Your gut reaction may be to come in with all guns blazing, offering threats, demanding behavioral changes, and other unhelpful behaviors. This type of scenario may well be your greatest challenge in the mother-daughter relationship, requiring every ounce of tact and respect you can muster.
Your daughter may be technically a child, but she is both child and adult. Using the technique of addressing her as an adult with have more positive results than treating her as a child. You can be pretty confident that your daughter will definitely rebel if you speak to her as a child in these situations. The undesirable behavior will simply be driven underground. You may think she has stopped the behavior in question, but you will most likely be cleverly deluded by your offspring.
Let’s say that you have discovered your daughter is having underage sex. As difficult as it may be, the best you can do is discuss this as rationally as you can with her. Remember, she is already having sex, and she is not going to stop doing so just because you ask her to. Instead, ask her to discuss the issue with her. Also suggest that you discuss it in such a way that you both agree that if either party starts to lose control, you both agree to stop for the time being. If you can hold to these rules, your daughter may come to see that you merely want to talk about what is happening in her life, and not try to control her. You may want to control her, but the reality is you can’t. But you can use your adult skills to keep the lines of communication open with your daughter and, in doing so, increase the chances of coming to a mutually satisfying resolution. This, in turn, will have the effect of strengthening your relationship with your daughter in the future.
Next article: More tips for good mother-daughter relationships.
Contact Beth McHugh for further information or assistance regarding this issue.