In Walking the Mother-Daughter Tightrope (1), (2), and (3), we looked at many ways to move through the minefield of the female adolescent years. In today’s article, we’ll look at additional ways to smooth the path of adolescent angst.
1. Use questions to help her make responsible decisions. When your daughter tells you she is doing something of which you don’t approve, try to engage her in conversation rather than react in a hostile manner to the news she has just told you. For example, let’s say she has just informed you that she is dropping math from her high school subjects. You strongly disagree with this decision. But rather than tell her all the reasons why you think she is making a mistake, instead ask her why she believes this is a good idea. Ask her how this will benefit her in the short term. Ask her how she thinks this move will affect her in the long term. Ask her how this will affect her current career plans and what options may be closed to her by making this decision. You may find that your daughter has thought this through quite well, and her decision may well be the best one for her. On the other hand, you may prompt her to go away and give further thought to her decision. Either way, an argument can possibly be avoided by being non-confrontational. And whatever her final decision is, respect it. Few things are cast in stone. If she needs that math in later life and is committed to a career path, she can always do it later. But the real prize is that, in respecting your daughter’s opinion, you will strengthen your long-term relationship.
2. Be clear about what is important and what is not. No two people agree on every subject. Neither will you and your daughter. Mother-daughter relationships can easily turn into a battle of wills. This is often the fault of the parent rather than the offspring. Being overly strict and inflexible can do long-term damage to the fragile parent-teen relationship that will be remembered long after you are in your grave. So try to be very clear about the really important issues in life before demanding that your newly-blooming adult child comply with your every whim. Sometimes being a parent can just be a series of exercises in damage control, and it’s often better to lose a battle every now and again than win a war. Is it really that important if your daughter wears too much make-up? Is it really that important if she wears a thong? Is it really that important if she drops her math course? What are the important issues in her life? Number one issue is that she feels loved and supported by her parents. This is what she will remember about you as she grows to maturity and beyond. Try not to get bogged down with the meaningless issues of life. Concentrate on the lasting ones: love, respect, compassion. By doing so, you can hope to be given the same in return.
Contact Beth McHugh for further assistance regarding this issue.