Usually couples seek marriage counseling because they want to improve or save their marriages. Unfortunately, not all counselors are in the business of trying to make marriages better. Some are more about helping one spouse “escape” the marriage.
To make sure this is not the type of counselor you are enlisting, watch out for these and similar warning signs:
1. The counselor gives a direct opinion about staying or leaving. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy says this is a no-no. Even if the advice is couched in suggestive language, such as, “I feel you should,” or “Maybe you should,” this kind of advice is unethical and it undermines the therapeutic process as well as the marriage.
2. The counselor antagonizes one spouse or blames one in particular. Saying things like, “Why would you want to stay married to him?” or “If you can’t treat him any better than that…” can cause one spouse to feel as if the marriage isn’t worth saving and that he or she is a fool for trying.
3. The counselor is old school or out of touch. He or she may still be caught up in the past, in a time where divorce was taboo. Such a counselor often tries to show people that they don’t have to stay “trapped” in an unhappy marriage, that their personal desires are as important as their vows. This type of counselor prizes freedom to do as one pleases over commitment.
4. If you have individual sessions first and the counselor diagnoses your spouse based only on your descriptions before having even met your spouse, neither your spouse nor your marriage as whole will get a fair appraisal.
5. When you are interviewing for a counselor, avoid one that says, “I can’t save your partner or your marriage, but I can help you.” This generally means that the counselor will focus exclusively on your wants and needs. That may sound appealing, but marriage counseling cannot be effective if it is one-sided.