We single parents often wrestle with feeling the need to be TOO independent—at least that is how it has been for me. I have gotten so used to being on my own that I can very easily slip into stoicism. I do NOT find it easy to ask for, or accept help. But for some single parents, just the opposite is true—it becomes so much easier to accept help and let others take care of things, that becoming overly-dependent becomes a problem.
Being encouraged and feeling a part of a supportive community and family is one thing; and it is a very good thing. But, it is also important to stand on one’s own two feet. Some single parents are lucky enough to have a support network that is not only strong, but people swoop into take care of everything from purchasing groceries, offering day care, providing housing, etc. And, while we often talk about those of us single parents who receive absolutely no child support or alimony, there are those that have become dependent on the financial support that is coming from elsewhere—so dependent that they are not striving to take care of their own needs.
The downside of all this dependency is that your self-esteem suffers, as well as your long-term financial health. The longer you are depending on other people for support, the further behind you will get in terms of setting up your own fiscal stability. It may be easier in the long run, but becoming dependent really puts a parent at a disadvantage and doesn’t set the best example for our children either. Dependency can lead to shame, low self-esteem, making poor decisions about life and potential partners, and can affect the personal growth and development of our children as well.
It can be tough to break the cycle and have confidence that we CAN take care of ourselves and our families, and it may also take some time. You may need to set goals for yourself (go back to school, move into own apartment, get off food stamps by the end of the year, etc.) and take it one step at a time. Get supportive people around you who value independence and find other self-supporting single parents to help mentor you and show you how it’s done. In the long run, you’ll be much better for working through your dependency issues.
Also: Evaluating Government Assistance
Money, Trust and the Single Parent
Child Support From the Ex-Spouse