I’ve always known that my hormones in general were through the roof. I am a woman, and I am hormonal! But, in all seriousness, this last pregnancy, and recent birth of my son have put me through the ups and downs of motherhood like I never thought possible. This experience of deciding whether or not to stop breastfeeding due to the food sensitivities my child is suffering through has been a heart-wrenching one to say the least. I now understand better than ever when people say it is a personal choice. Because, this time around, I did have to make a choice. Before, there was no choice. I breastfed, and I was happy to give that gift to my children.
However, recently, I did make the decision that breastfeeding was no longer what was best for my child and me and my family. I started slowly with transitioning to a formula he could tolerate. We weren’t sure with all his past problems if he would tolerate anything. But, he did. And, slowly, I introduced more everyday, until one day, he had formula all day long. I still nursed him through the night. After a few days in that pattern, I decided it was time. That was just two days ago as I write this.
When I realized I would go to bed that night and not nurse him when he woke up, I kind of had a little emotional breakdown during the day. I cried. After all, this is also my last child, so there are a lot of emotions there. And, I had remarked to my husband about how crazy strong my hormones were during this past transitional week. When I wasn’t nursing, I felt fine, and confident in my decision. But, as soon as I did nurse at night, I would feel sadness and regret at the decision. I felt self-doubt. I told my husband I was going to have to just give it up all together to get past these feelings of doubting my decision.
When you nurse, your body releases two different hormones meant to relax you, and make you bond with your child. That is nature’s way of keeping you in that pattern of nursing. Those hormones are oxytocin and prolactin. I can attest to the fact that those hormones exist! They are what has made this journey such a difficult one. Nursing is not just about what is best for me, or the baby. But, it is about what is best for both of us. Making this decision has been one of the hardest decisions of my life.
It has been more than 24 hours since I have nursed my baby. I am pumping periodically to relieve my discomfort. But, it is the discomfort in my heart that hurts much worse. With time, I hope that will heal as well.