When it comes to arguing with our spouse, we ask ourselves what did we say? But more often than not, it’s not what we said in the argument that matters – it’s what didn’t we say? A lot of arguments come from the things we didn’t say and when we hold back, that withdrawal can lead to feelings of hostility and defensiveness on both sides of the relationship.
What do I Mean?
Well, let’s look at it this way: your husband comes home from work. He’s in a bad mood and he had a really bad day at the office. It’s not like he’s about to be fired, but he’s just been run ragged. Now that he’s home, he wants to decompress and shut down for a few hours. He doesn’t want to think about problems or cope with problems in any shape. He’s also worried about the finances, because they might be a bit short this month due to unexpected expenses – that means tightening the belt and those conversations are always grim and he knows that he needs to open that line of dialogue – but not tonight.
Meanwhile, you’ve had a bad day with the kids. You’ve been coping with issues where you are not sure you are handling it right. Maybe the kids were stubborn on several fronts across the board and it’s been difficult. You haven’t been juggling all the items you need to juggle. You really want to talk to your husband, to share your problems and to get his input. Maybe he will have suggestions that will help you out.
You want to talk to him as soon as he’s home; while the kids are distracted and it’s the last thing he wants right now – do you see the conflict coming?
What do you do?
When a conflict is about to erupt, we all have three choices. We can go into attack or defense modes. We can choose to avoid or deny. Or we can open up and connect. Many of us are programmed for avoid or deny or attack and defense. Neither strategy will work and both escalate issues between spouses. The third option is a lot harder to employ – especially if you are in a foul mood and trust me – I’ve been there.
But opening up and connecting can save both of you a lot of stress, conflict and tears. For example, last night I was working late and my husband came to ask me a question. His tone conveyed that it was a tired conversation as we’d had it several times in the past. It was late, I was tired and I was trying to finish something up so I could go to bed.
I started to get defensive and then quashed the response – because it would just escalate between us – especially since he was tired too. I held up a hand and said:
“Do we have to talk about this now? I’m tired and I’m likely to start yelling and I don’t want to yell.” I’m opening up and I’m connecting to him. I’m admitting how I feel – I am not dismissing his argument nor am I dismissing him. In fact, I’m reaching out for his help so that we can both deal with this another time.
“No, we don’t need to have it now. But can you think about what I said?”
”Yes, I can.”
Argument and conflict averted.
You can be angry and want to yell, but you don’t have to do that. You can be upset and want to leave, but you don’t have to do that. You can be defensive and want to lash out, but you don’t have to do that. Opening up is harder, admitting that you feel that way however is very liberating.
When stress is running high whether it’s due to financial constraints, illness, and bad days at work or just a general sense of malaise – don’t hide it or withdraw from your relationship. Your spouse is your greatest source of support and strength. When you open up and admit to the issues – it can help you to both connect and instead of fighting with each other you work together. You can hammer out an issue without hammering each other.
So the next time you feel the temper starting to fray – tell your spouse that honestly, you just want to yell at them – even though you understand they have a point and you are not saying that you don’t want to discuss it – you just don’t want to argue about it. But remember, this only works if you are willing to listen to their opening up and connecting as well.
What other tips do you use to avert arguments and escalating tensions?
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