In some ways, emotional abuse is the most common form of abuse. It comes from the mother who yells in frustration every time her son makes a mistake, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” Or from the father who snorts in derision as he proclaims regularly to everyone who will listen, “The girl won’t amount to nothin’!” It comes from the husband who tells his wife, “You’re too stupid to get a job!” Over and over again, that pattern is repeated until the repetition obscures the severity. The son will think to himself, Mom always says that — what’s the big deal? The daughter will be silent and decide, It doesn’t matter what you think! The wife deep inside will agree, I guess I’m not smart enough. Each will attempt to minimize the damage in order to continue on with life as he or she knows it.
Like other forms of abuse, emotional abuse can be self-perpetuating, repeating the cycle throughout relationships across generations. If emotional abuse occurs early in life, it can cause dysfunctional behavior into the adult years.
It is important to understand that abuse has a broad definition as well as broad effects. While physical and sexual abuse can be much more visible and therefore are considered more severe, it is vital not to measure abuse on a scale of “bad” to “worse.” Rather, it is important to acknowledge its presence, whether in the past or the present. Emotional abuse always accompanies physical or sexual abuse but stands fully on its own as damaging and destructive to an individual.
So many of the people I have counseled over the years started out by telling me, “It’s not like I was abused or anything….” They then proceeded to recount horror stories of growing up with what I strongly believe is emotional abuse. Too often they seemed embarrassed as they talked, as if fearful of making “too big a deal” out of what had happened to them. Attempting to minimize their abuse is one of the chief denial techniques developed to survive emotionally through the abuse.
How do you know if you have been abused in the past or if the relationship you are in now is an abusive one? Often you aren’t the best judge. If you have grown up in an abusive family, your experiences will have a bizarre sense of normalcy. If you compare your abusive past with a current abusive relationship and vice versa, there will appear to be nothing different to point to the reality of abuse.
However, even if you are not the best judge, you are really the only judge. In my counseling, I have found that when people suspect they were abused, in most cases they were. If the relationship you had in the past or the one you have now is with a person or people who consistently make you feel worthless, you are being abused. All of us need relationships with people who love us, who build us up, and who support us as we learn and grow.
The above is excerpted from Chapter 1 in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz.