The introduction to Age Appropriate Sexual Development can be viewed here.
The pre-school child now has increased vocabulary and contact with a larger number of people. The children remain curious about their own bodies and the bodies of others. They are becoming acutely aware, and interested, of the difference between a boy body and a girl body and will typically start asking questions like, “Why does Daddy have a penis?”
Their increased social contacts may bring them into contact with other Moms who are pregnant, or indeed, there may even be pregnancy in their own home. The questions continue: “Where did I come from?”, “How did I get out of your tummy?”, “How does a baby get inside a Mommy’s tummy?” etc. This is the time to ensure that you use correct words for body parts and that you provide simple and age appropriate information to answer any questions. The child’s curiosity allows for a natural discussion around issues of sexuality rather than waiting too late to have an awkward teenage talk about how babies are made. Warning: little minds can only cope with minimum information. If your child continues to ask the same questions repeatedly, it is a sign that you can perhaps give a little more information to satisfy their curiosity.
Sex play is quite common at this age. It is a normal part of development. Games like Doctors and Nurses or showing each other our genitals are as normal to this child as asking for a drink of milk. If you catch your child in this type of sex play, it is not a reflection of bad parenting, naughty child, or potential abuse. It is a reflection of their observation skills and their curiosity in how the world of grown ups works. The children may have seen adult sexual behavior on television, in the park, even in their own home.
Reacting with shock is usually a parent’s first response. This is because we view the behavior through our own grown up eyes, rather than locating the behavior in developmentally appropriate stages. How you react is so important. If you react with anger, disgust or punishment you may create in your child feelings of guilt, confusion or being ashamed. These feelings will not stop the curiosity and normal development of your child. It will instead send their behaviors underground: to be played in private. This is not healthy and may create many more future problems than it is worth.
Discuss privacy and personal safety with your child if you catch them in the act. Remind your child that certain parts of the body are private and that if they would like to know more about what their friend’s penis/vagina looks like you could get a picture book to look at.
Swearing and toilet humor also raises its head in this age group. This is because the child’s mind is so ripe for new information that they will latch onto anything new. Pet words for genitalia are especially loved by these children. They will repeat them over and over and use them in every inappropriate situation. Gently remind your child that at their age, they have many other words that they can use instead. If they do not have a more preferable range of words, give them some alternatives. This is where the game “A word a week” is a handy game to have up your sleeve.
Masturbation is also a common activity in this age group. This could be due to curiosity, because it feels good, to help them relax, because they are bored, upset or tired. Some children will not masturbate at all whereas others will do it all the time. It is a normal behavior for their age stage. Telling your child that if they really want to touch themselves there that it needs to be done in private, is a better way to respond rather than getting angry with your child or slapping their hand. In my experience, this is one of the most upsetting behaviors to parents. Once you know that it is completely normal for this age, I sincerely hope that it takes away your stress, concern and horror.
As your child begins to reach the age of going to school, they will have understood that there are some games, words or behaviors that are not appropriate to use. However, if, through parental reactions, this stage of development is forced underground, it will take the child longer to progress through the stage and that may well just continue their curiosity at school, away from your prying eyes.
Acknowledgement: Some information for this article has been referenced from an excellent parent handout produced by Family Planning Queensland (Australia). To view “Sexual Development in Early Childhood”, click here.
My FAVORITE child focused article of the day: A series of three articles, Parental Alienation Syndrome: The Ugly Side Of Parenting, by Myra Turner. Click here to view the first one.