We sometimes chat here about the realities and challenges of dating as a single parent. As I sat down to write this blog, I started thinking over all the things that have been said to me by people on dates–and I’m not just talking first dates here. I think it could also be expanded to include things that friends and coworkers say (and shouldn’t ) to single parents. Here are some of the things that I have heard and don’t think anyone should ever say to a single parent:
“So, are your kids good?” The implication, of course, is that you are the parent of some sort of evil spawn. What parent worth their salt wouldn’t think their kids are absolutely perfect with all their flaws and original personality? This is one of those questions a parent shouldn’t be asked or expected to answer (and I didn’t.)
“Do you get child support?” Why does everyone thing this is public record or should be discussed on a date or over an office lunch? Would you ask someone how much money they make or how much they are paying for their mortgage on a first, second, or even third date?
“Did you have your child/children on purpose?” Again, why? Why ask a question like this? The implication being that the parent accidentally had a child with an inappropriate partner. Even if this was true, why would it be playful date conversation? People assume that no one would choose to be a single parent and a question like this implies some sort of poor judgment on the part of the parent because they are raising a child or children alone.
“I’ve never really liked kids.” Actually, this should be said before the date ever happens. Don’t waste a single parent’s time by dating or expressing an interest if you don’t like children, kids, teenagers, or the chaos of family life. It comes with the package and even if it is just a date or two, if you don’t like kids, don’t go there.
“Can’t you just send your kids to their mom’s/dad’s house?” Okay, this goes for sleepovers, wanting an impromptu date, or a weekend get-away or any other occasion where a person may want to have the parent all to themselves. The person is assuming that the parent a)doesn’t actually enjoy their child’s company and want to be with them and b)that custody arrangements are lose and free-flowing and don’t take acres of conversations and agreements to get into working order. Even if you mean this as a compliment, don’t say it–it comes across as insensitive and rude and puts a lot of pressure on the parent.
The reason I picked these five questions is that these are things that have actually been said to me a time or two AND they are great examples of how a person can immediately set a single parent on the defensive. Of course, as single parents, if someone says something like this to us we know right away where we stand and what sort of people they are–chances are, they are not the sort of person we want to date or hang out with.
Also: Dating Tips for the Single Mom
Dealing With Comments to the Widowed