In my quest to find information about affairs and STDs I stumbled across “Infidelity: Myths, Facts and Healing,” an article by Ofer Zur, Ph.D. Dr. Zur discussed all manner of things related to affairs and presented some very interesting facts about them.
Or at least I found them interesting. They were things I didn’t know. I listed my revelations below.
1. Finally! A concise definition of infidelity.
Maybe Dr. Zur’s not the first to define it thusly, but of all the definitions I’ve read this one was most succinctly stated: “Infidelity is unfaithfulness to a sexual partner in an agreed monogamous relationship.”
2. Affairs fulfill different needs/wants/roles. That’s why there’s 12 different types.
Different types of affairs? On some level I knew this, but I had no idea there was more than two or three. But to learn there’s twelve? Wow.
3. Monogamy among mating mammals is the exception not the rule –and humans are no exception.
Unfortunately I don’t remember where else it was I recently read that many anthropologists hold that humans aren’t wired to be monogamous. Dr. Zur included a stat that only three percent “of mammals are pre-programmed for monogamy” and humans aren’t among them.
4. Affairs are not as taboo as one might think.
Dr. Zur had a whole section devoted to laying out myths surrounding affairs and then dispelling them. (The three percent rule above was also part of this section.) One myth had to do with infidelity being both rare in most societies and that overall society supports fidelity and monogamy. Dr. Zur pointed out that for as long as there have been marriages there have been trysts. Also, our society loves to say how great monogamy is but we actually perpetuate it. (Through the entertainment media –like books, movies, and music– and the news media –like covering the so called “sexual scandals” of celebs and political figures. It’s the monkey see, monkey do effect.)
5. Men don’t always start the affairs.
Elsewhere maybe, but in the West women are now responsible for starting just as many as men do.
6. If you’re having an affair it’s not because you’re unhappy in your marriage.
According to Dr. Zur, and a study done by Dr. Shirley Glass, sometimes people who are very happy in their marriages engage in affairs for other reasons. (Spicing up their sex lives was a major one, but it also goes back to what type of an affair it was. It could be that the cheater is happy, but insecure and always needing strokes so…they find someone new to stroke them.)
7. People who engage in affairs don’t always engage in safe sex practices.
This is how I stumbled on the site. Dr. Zur reported that the fear of AIDS or STDs not only didn’t reduce a tendency towards affairs, but that less than half of cheaters practiced safe-sex with their secondary partner.
Courtney Mroch writes about animals great and small in Pets and the harmony and strife that encompasses married life in Marriage. For a full listing of her articles click here.
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