We all know that the best thing for our child is if we refrain from badmouthing or saying anything negative about their other parent in front of them. Of course, this doesn’t always mean that we are perfect, but I know that many of us here have talked about how we try to remain neutral and keep our negative talk about the “Ex” for a safe and trusted friend. But, what should we do when our child says negative stuff about the other parent? It can be doubly hard not to join in or feel protective and want to get involved…
Now, I’m not talking about big, serious, heavy stuff like abuse or neglect allegations–in which case we need to take what our child says to heart and take immediate action. I’m talking about some of the typical back-and-forth stuff that can go on when a child has two homes. My kids call it “mom bashing” or “dad bashing” and now they are old enough to admit that when they are at dad’s house, they tend to complain about the things they don’t like about my house and when they are here, they may want to vent how they feel about things their dad does or what goes down over there. My job is to NOT join in and to try to remain compassionate, sympathetic, and neutral.
Neutral???? I know, you may feel anything but neutral about the other parent, but just as we try not to vent our own negative feelings about the Ex onto our kids, it is best to try not to get involved when they are venting either. Active listening and empathy are good things, our children should be able to express themselves and talk about why they are angry. But, we can take more of a facilitator role and help them talk through the issues and offer suggestions or ideas for what parts they might not be seeing–instead of immediately leaping to the child’s defense.
I liken it to when a good friend is going through a rocky time with another friend or a partner or spouse. If we immediately start bashing the other party, we risk losing our friend or creating a rift when things get patched up. We want our child to talk to us, but we need to keep things in perspective and keep in mind that we are all still in a partnership even if the other parent DOES do things we don’t necessarily like. As long as it isn’t serious neglectful or abusive parenting stuff, we can help our child to work through things instead of adding to the negativity.
Also: Your Child Still Has Two Parents
Coping With Comparisons, For Parents