I am rather vocal in claiming my role as a single parent. My kids, however, hate the term “single parent”–from their perspective, they have two parents so they are not being raised by a “single parent.” Never mind that there are definite differences and inequities between the two worlds, since my ex-husband and I have worked really hard to keep things pleasant and functional, my kids don‘t think there is anything “single“ about their families.
That doesn’t mean that my ex-husband and I agree. In fact, we seldom agree on much when it comes to parenting and over the years since we have been apart, it seems our differences have become increasingly obvious. I explain to people that while we are never on the same page, we occasionally may find we’re in the same book! But, not always. More often than not there is obvious disparity between our philosophies, rules (or lack of), expectations, involvement, etc. Just as I entered into marriage hoping for an equal 50/50 partnership, I hoped that divorce might give me some of that fairness I’d been craving. No dice. But, I am here to tell you that complete disagreement doesn’t have to mean tension, stress or a battleground.
I will confess right here and now that I am not the “fun” parent. Not that I don’t fantasize occasionally about what it would be like to be the fun one. Alas, I am the one wage-earner household, the one the schools call, other parents call, the one who attends meetings and doctor’s and dentist’s appointments, the one who makes rules and consequences that “would never happen at Dad’s house.” I am definitely not the one with season football tickets, or vacations, or regular meals out at restaurants. As a friend pointed out, my kids actually get the best of all possible worlds–just not all in one house.
I know that the experts suggest parents should present a “united front” regardless of whether they are married or not, but reality can be a different story. I actually think there are some benefits to kids learning to maneuver in two different worlds and see alternative ways of approaching life and problems. Years ago, when we were first divorced, I spent a lot of time and energy fussing over the disparity between the two houses and the two different parenting styles–throw the added “step-mother” and her world into the mix and I felt myself losing control and influence rapidly (I hit the roof when the “other“ woman bought my son multi-vitamins, when my own personal philosophy was opposed to the things.) In reality, there was nothing I could do about it. I was carrying around a great deal of bitterness about how I felt I was swimming upstream in terms of trying to set limits and consequences that weren’t carried over or enforced at “the other house” and how I felt like I was always left holding the bag in terms of disciplinarian, organizer and overall responsible party. I was holding everything inside so I could present the business-like, cooperative front to my kids. Finally, I just had to let that go. A mentor explained that I was going to have to “play my game” and realize I had no control over what anyone else did.
We have all had years to settle into the way our family exists. I’ve stopped thinking about how things would be “if” and just focus on my home and my role of mom as I see it. It’s made it much easier for me to communicate with my ex-husband. I tell him the things I would want to be told, I treat him how I would like to be treated, and even though he doesn’t do the same for me–I feel like I’m doing everything I can. My kids know that I don’t “keep secrets” from their father and that I don’t feel any competition or antagonism about the disparity and what goes on “over there“ at all. I let go of feeling like I needed to make excuses or offer explanations to my kids–they can come to me for issues they have with me, but they have to go to him for issues they have with him. It’s not my role to play translator any longer. I’ve learned to respect his autonomy and the fact that he gets to do things his own way at his own house. Whether I agree or not is irrelevant. If it makes my job harder because I have to make up for things that happen at Dad’s house (or don’t happen), then that’s just the way it is, but I’m getting better about not picking up the slack. It helps, of course, that my kids are all in high school and we’ve had time to settle into a working relationship between two homes and two worlds.
I think that rather than whether a divorced mom and dad present a united front, it’s more important that they show how when they don’t agree, that two very different people with very different ideas and philosophies can learn to cooperate and co-exist and focus on their mutual goal of raising great kids.