As parents, we may be used to our child or children getting defensive with us: in response to a request we’ve made or a discovery we might have unearthed. Whether we are asking them if they have done their homework or to clean their room, there is a good chance a little defensiveness will be part of their repertoire when they react. But, we parents can get defensive too and it can interfere with our ability to communicate with our children and make it hard for us to stay in control.
It might sound like a paradox but defensiveness DOES make it hard for us to stay in control. Getting and being defensive is not the same thing as having authority or being the “grown-up.” When we react defensively to our children, they know it and they wonder what we’re hiding, why we are being so close-minded, and older kids may think they have “won” because they have gotten under our skin.
We have to ask ourselves why we are getting defensive before our children do. Are we feeling guilty? Ashamed? Weak? Sometimes it is incredibly natural and human for us to feel like we have something to defend with our child—maybe there has been an accusation or a talented teenager has tried to flip a situation and manipulate it so that we feel on the defensive. We do have choices, however, and we don’t have to play. We can choose to breathe, take a break, get our composure and sort out our feelings of defensiveness before we go off and react in a defensive manner. Even if we feel self-protective or distrustful of the situation and know that we need to set a boundary and expectation with our child—there is a difference between setting a limit and getting defensive, and it is up to us as the parent to send the strongest message.