Some children are argumentative by nature, but even the most docile child can go through argumentative stages. It can come as a bit of a shock to a parent who has had an easy-going child to suddenly have them talking back and picking arguments with parents, siblings and adults. To a certain extent, learning how to say “no” and mean it can be a developmental leap, but arguing older kids (adolescents) can be incredibly challenging.
When arguing is a stage or phase, I think it helps as a parent to avoid getting into power struggles. It can be tough, we want to snap back or we think we can simply win and argument because we are bigger, older and smarter. Unfortunately, it does not usually work that way. What parent has not found himself locked into an unwinnable argument with an adolescent and realized that there is no way to come out of it looking or sounding good? Not to mention, our kids know us so well they know exactly what to say and do to trigger our emotional, angry responses and once we lose our cool, the child wins the argument.
Ask yourself what you can ignore, overlook, or laugh off. I am not saying we should laugh at our children when they are picking fights, but if there is a way to diffuse the situation with appropriate humor, that can be a good parent’s tool. The thing to keep in mind is that when a child is going through an arguing stage, trying to reason or use logic or prove why or how she might be wrong will generally make things worse. The best thing for a parent is simply to detach and not engage. When it comes to having to intervene when a child is arguing with others, I think that detachment is still a good goal. You can simply say something like: “That is not an appropriate tone to take with your sister/friend. Perhaps you need to spend some time apart.” Avoid getting sucked into the argument or the drama. If you do not fuel or engage in the arguing, it may give the child less reason to be so argumentative.