Many people believe they will “live happily ever after.” In reality, the changes that come with parenting can be dramatic and unexpected. We cannot anticipate how the shift from being a couple to being a family will affect us. But knowing that tension, fear, anger and sadness are as much a part of being a parent as joy and fulfillment reassures new parents during what could be a very confusing and lonely time in their lives.
Trials and Tribulations
Don and Kit, for example, found themselves pregnant in the very beginning of their relationship. The trials they experienced in the first year of their son’s life was equal parts adjusting to parenthood and adjusting to couple hood. There are concessions made as couples that singles do not find themselves having to make. There are great concessions when a third party enters the picture. Emotions, which color every interaction with a partner, can become frayed and confused in the tumultuous time following the birth of a child. Simple misunderstandings, once laughed off, now become serious kindling for extreme blow-ups.
Beth and Dan, for example, had terrible fights on and off during the first year of their baby’s life. They compromised, however, by promising each other that they would not even consider separation or divorce until after their baby was a year old. By that time, their fighting had decreased considerably. They had learned better communication skills and they had a much better understanding of their goals as a family. Rather than a divorce at one year, they felt closer than ever they ever had and chose to renew their vows to each other at a private ceremony.
Parent versus Spouse
Sometimes there is a clash between how adults see themselves as parents and how they see themselves as lovers. A husband may feel that now his role is to be the breadwinner and to protect his wife and child from outside criticism. But if he stays in that role when he is at home with only family members around. He may forget to be gentle or may be so tired that he forgets to make extra gestures of love. A wife may feel that as a mother, her job is to be there for her baby one hundred percent. She may not know how to balance her needs for affectionate touch from her husband with her desire to not be touched after a long day of holding an infant.
The experience of hearing how “hard” one parent’s day was compared to the other’s can lead to a sort of perverse competition. For active couples, the baby may also impair their activities, leading to another kind of stress. If the “quality” time they spent together was oft times out of the home, the constancy of home bounding could just as easily intrude upon their intimacy. “You never talk to me anymore,” or “All you ever seem to be is tired,” can become repetitive statements and a red flag towards a bull for a burgeoning argument.
The Struggle
The struggle to maintain the relationship between the two parents when their entire world has shifted on its axis can be harder than dancing across a tightrope. The combination of stress, tension and fear can lead to anxiety whether it is about parenthood or couple hood. Oftentimes, it affects both. The failure in the relationship is not the relationship, but in the failure to communicate effectively and to look past how tired each parent is and whatever stresses they may be facing. To remember, that on some level, these two individuals connected long before this small human interjected itself into their lives and that their needs to communicate with each other on those levels are every bit as strong as they were in the initial stages of their relationship. A couple needs to find a way to combine the parental roles with their roles of being lovers.
As has been discussed, during the time of major life change, it is normal for couples to find themselves arguing more often. It is helpful to remember that this does not mean that the couple is no longer in love. Research has shown that the number of arguments a couple has is not a predicator of whether they will divorce or not. Still, arguing hurts feelings and makes life unpleasant. The key to good communication lays in the avoidance of the minefield of emotion. The couple can also lay some ground rules that will make arguing a little safer and a little less hurtful.