Babyhood
Paul Reiser, a notable comedian and creator the sitcom Mad About You, detailed similar trials and tribulations in his book Babyhood. During the first few months of their child’s life, he and his wife both noticed that they literally never heard half of what the other one was saying. “…it turns out that we were just out of steam, too weak to speak audibly.” He also discusses the ugly rivalries that would break out like wildfire over things like diaper changing and getting up in the middle of the night. Their entire focus was their child. Their day-to-day activities and even their conversations were either about the child or how one or the other “just doesn’t get it.”
Assertive, not Aggressive
Experts and experienced married couples agree that it is better to be assertive, rather than aggressive. It is okay to say that a person is upset. It isn’t okay to attack the other person’s actions or motives. Avoid scorekeeping; stick to what is bothering you now. It doesn’t help to be a relationship accountant, remembering every hurt or indiscretion. It never helps to say something hurtful just because something hurtful was said first.
It should also be stressed to avoid lecturing, focus on the behavior that is upsetting and use “I” statements. Stay away from the details of an argument. Arguments can become sidetracked by details when each person remembers the situation differently. The important thing is that someone was hurt, became angry and now is the time to heal that. Use active listening, where each person summarizes what the other just said. It may feel silly when you start to learn it, but it helps for a few reasons.
When fighting, people think so fast that one person may not hear the other person. Restating in their own what words what the other person said lets the other party know whether their point of view was understood; if not it also gives them the chance to clarify it. That often makes a world of difference in an argument. It serves to put the couple back on the same side and in the end, the only real “right” is that they are still talking as well as communicating.
Sometimes, couples argue without much of a reason. This is like a flood of extra rainwater causing the banks of the river to spill over. Spilling over occurs when you just have too much to deal with. This can be at work, at home, with the baby or anything. In these situations, arguing becomes the safety valve that lets off pressure. It helps to develop other ways of releasing tension. Some people exercise. Other people cook, go shopping, call friends, pray or meditate or take a long, soaking bath. It is important to find a healthy alternative or spillover will occur again, just at a later date.
Effective Communication
When the relationship is changing because of parenthood, try obtaining a bird’s eye view and get away from the details. Remember that effective communication doesn’t mean yelling and “winning” the argument. Effective communication occurs when both parties see and hear what the other is saying. There are ground rules to follow in any “engagement” of communication during this tumultuous time. For every effective speaker there must be an active listener.
It takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to continue it. Effective communication can and does make a world of difference.