Life is not fair and that is definitely one of the challenges we parents face when it comes to teaching our children about how to get along in the world. Sometimes that lesson hits early and close to home and I have talked to many parents who confess that having grandparents play favorites is one of those early, painful and challenging family lessons…
Sometimes, grandparents play favorites between families—a favored son or daughter’s children are the noticeable favorites—while other times they may choose one or two grandchildren who are the favs. To be fair, I think that often grandmas and grandpas don’t even realize that they have done this, or if they have picked a favorite grandchild or two, they don’t understand how harmful or painful it can be.
So, what can parents do short of starting World War Three? Well, it all depends on family dynamics and the age of the child or children affected. It can be simple, or it can be a really complicated, multi-generational issue that seems unsolvable. Try to get an accurate handle on what exactly IS going on and make sure that you have addressed your own issues and “baggage” around it—are you projecting any of your own stuff onto a grandparent or letting envy and jealousy get the better of you? It might actually be your issue and not one that belongs to the grandparent or children. If it is obviously a grandparent issue, you can try talking it through in a non-confrontational and non-combative manner (or get the person whose parent it is to have the conversation). You can also set some limits and boundaries around your own family (“Please don’t bring a gift for Suzy if you do not bring anything for the other children.”), realizing that you will not be able to change the offending grandparent and focus on your child and family. Many parents eventually find that they have to find a way to balance between setting boundaries and limits and expectations, protecting their children, and respecting a grandparent.
I think this issue is so incredibly common in families. I’ve had it come up again and again in conversations with parents and many of us grew up in families where it was obvious who grandma or grandpa’s “favorites” were. I would appreciate hearing from some of you who are willing to share ideas for how to cope and deal with family dynamics when a grandparent chooses favorites. In Part Two, I’ll talk about ways to help your child or children and deal with the favoritism issue within your own nuclear family.
See Also: Grandparent Favoritism–My Unneccesary Worry
Acceptance of Adopted Child in Extended Family