I wrote earlier today about how parents and families can start to cope when a grandparent or grandparents are playing obvious favorites among grandchildren, but I also wanted to talk about things that parents can and must do for their child or children when family dynamics go awry.
Even if you’ve tried addressing the problem directly and talking with grandma or grandpa, you will still need to help a child to understand and process family favoritism issues—whether he or she is the chosen favorite or not. You may think that a child who is favored and chosen will get off without any lasting effects or damage, but that is not necessarily the case. There can be a great deal of guilt and shame and confusion that goes along with being the “favorite”—just as there can be feelings of rejection and anger and hurt at being passed over by a grandparent. Children need to be taught that it is NOT their issue. They are not better or worse and there is nothing they have done one way or the other to cause grandma or grandpa to behave the way they do. This is a tough lesson and one that generally takes years to learn, re-learn and truly comprehend. I am of the opinion that the more calmly and directly a parent can address favoritism with kids, the more likely they will be able to separate their own esteem and self worth from the situation.
This doesn’t mean that children shouldn’t learn to advocate for themselves. As children get older, it can be perfectly healthy and appropriate for them to learn how to say, “My feelings are hurt when you ignore me or choose to invite Sally over and not me.” Of course, there will need to be plenty of parental support and encouragement in order for a child to feel safe and strong enough to do this.
In my own little family, utilizing humor and separating “that behavior” from our own family values has helped us all to not let the favoritism stuff affect us too much. This doesn’t mean there haven’t been hurt feelings and confusion over the years, but I think by addressing it and working with my children, I have helped them to see that it really is not a reflection of them as people. But, first, I had to get my own anger and resentment under control so I could be present and helpful to my kids!
See Also: When Grandparents Play Favorites–Part One