It is not uncommon for kids from divorced or separated homes to try to play one parent (one household, family, etc.) against the other. As parents, however, it can be hard to figure out what is fiction and what is fact. Also for parents, it can be extremely upsetting and disconcerting to have to hear the complaints and issues that arise at the “other house” and wonder what one is supposed to do from a distance…
I generally subscribe to the philosophy that each parent should be allowed autonomy of his or her house and that things that happen at one house should be in that parent’s domain. Even though I believe in this “theory”–I also often have to cope with listening to my kids’ complaints in real life and not being sure what role I am supposed to play, when I should butt in, and when I should take things seriously. Over the years, I have learned how to try to problem-solve with my kids first and foremost around what THEY can do to affect the situation. It is only if they feel they cannot figure out what to do and it seems serious enough for me to intervene that I will talk to their dad about things.
I admit that for our family, my kids call me fairly regularly when they are across town to complain and search for sympathy; I also get the “run-down” when they come back from a visit. It is tough. I try to remain as neutral as possible, and help them problem-solve possible solutions, but it feels weird for me to have to defend or try to explain why things might be happening the way they are over there when I might be with my kids and NOT understand or agree. I often feel like I am both the primary parent and the neutral party in the middle and that can be a strange place to be.
Helping the kids learn how to address problems at the other house on their own seems to me to be the preferable role for a parent on the complaining end, but we also have to try to figure out when to intervene and make the call to the other parent to talk over possible issues. I have learned, however, that the more neutral, patient and open-minded I can be (all while keeping the best interests of the kids at the forefront), the better.
Also: When They Say They Want to Live with the Other Parent
Can We Really Be “Hands Off” With the Other Parent?