Since my separation and divorce, I have worked hard to make sure that my kids didn’t feel like they needed or had to choose between families and houses. Now that my children are getting older and have more of a say in things, I can see that they are trying to maneuver between choices—family, friends, etc. and some of those choices are quite difficult. It really makes me feel for children who often feel like they have to choose between families!
I even try to invite my children’s “other” family to my house when things seem to get sticky. This year, for Thanksgiving, my children’s paternal grandparents have chosen to host their own dinner instead of coming to my house. Usually, my children’s father leaves town with his new partner and her child for the day but this year they are staying in town and this has created a bit of a crunch for my children—where do they go? Will they hurt someone’s feelings if they choose what they really want to do? When they were younger, the adults made all the decisions and even had the holiday plan written into our divorce agreement. But, it is becoming the time when they will have more of a say in these things than before and I surely don’t envy them.
I figure that the best I can do is to be supportive and creative and let them know that I won’t take it personally or get my feelings hurt whatever they decide. I feel strong enough and healthy enough to allow them this leeway. I am willing to adjust days and times to fit and I know that this is really just the beginning of a new “stage” in our family. As they grow up and branch out into the world, I want them to feel like they can make personal choices and have fun with the holidays—not have one of those stressed and tense, competitive divorced family situations. It is up to me, after all, to look after myself during the holidays and not expect my children to appease me or give my holidays purpose.
As the adults, I think we have to set the stage and work to take the stress and tension and “choosing” out of the holidays for our children. We may have to adjust our own expectations in order to make a happy, peaceful scene for our kids.
Different Ideas About Boundaries
Negotiating With the Ex–It May Take a Few Meetings for the Tough Decisions
You May Have to Compromise for the Sake of Your Child