The topic of pets passing seems to be on many people’s minds lately. My brother-in-law recently informed me they lost their beloved 14-year-old Dalmatian, Alex. Over in the Families.com Pets Forum one of the members posted some sad news about her dog, Jax, who she recently discovered had Stage 2 cancer. Then Aimee posted a blog about her house rule (no pets are allowed to die) after a scare a friend had with her pet.
When Budly, our cocker spaniel, died in 2000 it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. He was my everything: my best friend, my child, an extension of my soul. When he died, a part of me left this world too.
Shared Memories
The outpouring of sympathy from all those who knew Budly helped. But what I found interesting was how many people shared memories of when their pets had passed. It seemed there was something therapeutic about it –both for them and me. Ever since then I’ve noticed myself doing it when I learn of the death of a friend or family member’s pet, and I see others doing it too.
Therapy?
I think we do this because we want to express that we understand the grief they’re suffering. We understand how much that hole in their heart hurts and how nothing feels like it’ll ever be right again. We empathize with how distraught they feel at having had to say goodbye to the tender life that graced theirs with so much unconditional love.
Consolation
And I think we want to let them know that for all that hurt and suffering they’re enduring, they will be okay. Eventually. The hurt will never go away completely. It will subside, though. Subtly. Over time. But it will take a lot of that to ease the hurt to a manageable level.
The Real Problem: Unnatural
I spent two solid days crying my eyes raw (there were times I could not even open them they were truly so swollen from crying that any light irritated them) when Budly died. I couldn’t eat (big sign something’s not right in my world) and I had no will to do anything.
I remember a Katherine Hepburn movie came on. Suddenly, Last Summer. Katherine plays a mother grieving the death of her only child, a son. At one point she says to one of the other characters that what makes it even worse is that now she has no identity.
When a woman marries, she becomes a wife.
When a woman gives birth, she becomes a mother.
When her husband dies, she becomes a widow.
But what does a woman become when her child dies? Nothing, because there is no name for a parent who endures such a loss.
Katherine’s character said something to the effect that it makes sense there’s no name for it. It’s not natural for a parent to outlive their child.
It’s not.
And that’s maybe why it hurts that much more when we have to say goodbye to our pets. There’s lots we feel –-distraught, grief-stricken, inconsolable– but there’s no word for what we become when they’re gone.