I can be as stubborn as the next guy. As a matter of fact, in my younger days, I could hold fast, hold a grudge, or out-last just about anyone. After two decades of parenting, however, I have learned more about “letting go” than I ever dreamed in those stubborn younger days. Figuring out when to stand firm and when to yield is the common lesson and condition of the average parent…
I think there is a difference between giving in and letting children get away with something and deciding NOT to make a big deal out of choices and behaviors. I suppose this is another take on “picking your battles” but I also think that there can be some power in yielding as a parent at the right time. We can use our yielding as leverage if we handle the situations right.
For example, if you and your child get into an battle of wills about an extra half-hour program of television and you are trying to figure out if you should stand firm or yield to the request, try to look at the big picture: is it a school night or a weekend? Is there an anticipated power-struggle or tussle that you can leverage for the television show? “I will allow you to watch this extra half-hour of television, but tomorrow you will need to give the dog a bath. If you don’t do the bath by noon, you’ll lose a half-hour of television tomorrow.” While you are yielding to the request, you are also leveraging and putting the choice back in the child’s court.
Setting limits and standing firm are definitely important, but so is finding ways to be flexible and negotiate with the child. There are lessons a child can learn from these situations and there are ways that as a parent, you can turn yielding into a teaching moment—without losing authority.
Also: Letting Kids Win