There are many of us single parents who are divorced or separated who may not have the highest of opinions of the “ex.” We might be convinced that he or she is all sorts of awful and has multiple personality deficiencies—some of which may or may not actually be true. One of the complaints that come up again and again by single parents of both genders is that the other parent or the ex is “self-absorbed.” What does this actually mean and what can we do to make communication more successful?
A self-absorbed person is self-focused and believes or acts as though he or she believes that he or she is the center of the entire universe. Whatever happens or whatever is said, a self-absorbed person relates it back to themselves or to their own life experiences. Self-absorbed people may have a hard time empathizes or even appreciating that there are different experiences and different ideas of how the world works. These people tend to have poor and lopsided boundaries—they do not want to be interrupted or have people intrude on their space and time but they have no problem using up other people’s time, stuff, etc. You can see how trying to co-parent or communicate with an ex on childrearing matters who is self absorbed can be incredibly frustrating.
What I have learned is that the worst thing to do with self-absorbed people is to tell them how messed up they are or try to get them to admit that they are self-absorbed. Since these people tend to have low self-esteem, they will get resentful and even rageful and do anything they can to NOT listen to what is being said. Giving the ex specific tasks that he or she can do to help with childrearing is one way of coping, as is using an e-mail or note-system to share information so that you can share the facts without getting locked into a self-focused conversation. It is reasonable to expect that this person will try to make everything that happens with the child about them, but by staying focused on the child yourself, and NOT getting sucked into conversations and battles, you may not be able to change the self-absorbed ex but you might be able to work with them.