I have been writing a short little series on neutrality and sharing some tips for how to stay or appear neutral–even when you are not necessarily “feeling it” on the inside. One of the issues that can come up in co-parenting, single parenting, or sharing custody with an ex is that the other parent may very well NOT play by the same rules that you do…
Perhaps you are like me, you’ve read several books on single parenting and you have set out to do the best job possible–providing healthy boundaries and making sure that you at least try to keep your child’s mental health and psyche in mind as you struggle with what it means to be a single parent. Maybe you have made up your mind not to use the child as a “go-between,” not to say negative things about the other parent, and not to bash on the step-parent or other family either. It can be incredibly frustrating, therefore, when the other parent does not subscribe to the same standards.
To a certain extent, we just have to take the high road and trust that things will work out in the end. We will still be modeling appropriate grown-up behavior for our children and we can hope that they will eventually figure out for themselves what is healthy and appropriate and what is not. Meanwhile, there are little things we can do to try to level the playing field.
For example, if your ex is constantly using the child or children as a messenger or a go-between: “Tell your mom…” or “Is you mom mad at me? Did she say anything about me?” you can intervene. If your child delivers a message from the other parent you can say something like: “I appreciate you sharing that with me but I am going to call your dad and confirm. I will remind him to please tell me these things directly so you don’t have to carry the message.” You may have to do this several times but eventually your child will feel strong enough to state that they do not want to be the messenger and the ex may get the message that you are going to call him or her to confirm anyway so why not just tell you directly.