Yesterday, I touched on the subject of dealing with different operating agenda for two separate parents–you may have certain ideas about what sort of “rules” should apply to sharing custody and raising your child, and the other parent may have separate standards. While it can be incredibly frustrating and, at times, you may feel tempted to stoop to a lower level–you can hold out and stay the course with your idea of how you should act.
You will never be able to control the other parent’s behavior–but you can set expectations and guidelines around your own behavior and parenting choices. Things may very well be very different at the other house–from bed time to diet to rules and expectations. Even if you have been very careful to set down agreements on paper and have had multiple conversations for the sake of consistency, you might find that the two houses may as well be two completely different worlds.
You have a few choices, you can give in and try to make your house more like the other house for consistency sake, or you can stick to your guns and keep your own standards and expectations, or you can compromise on some things and stay firm on others. Keep in mind what is best for your child, but also I think it is important to stay true to your core values and maintain integrity with those things that are incredibly important to you. Children do learn to negotiate between two worlds and I do not think we should give up trying to share and impart our values simply because the other parent may have different ones. As long as we don’t force the child into the uncomfortable position of choosing and as long as we can be open-minded and non-competitive, we can stick to our personal “operating rules” and allow for differences with the other parent too.