While some of us single parents share custody and have to constantly work out co-parenting agreements and arrangements with our child’s other parent, there are also those of us who really are solely alone. The other parent doesn’t factor at all in our child’s life—except as a fantasy figure to be contended with. What is a parent to do when the other parent is NOT going to be involved and is NOT coming? How do you explain to a child who is holding out hope of a “rescue” that his or her parent is not on the way?
I have read several different opinions about how a single parent can help a child deal with an absentee and uninvolved other parent. Some experts and single parents believe that the direct, honest approach is best. They say that it is far better to tell a child directly of the other parent’s lack of involvement than to let them carry and harbor a fantasy about the person. My opinion is that if you choose this approach, it is important that your “honesty” doesn’t include any shaming or blaming. Surely it is going to be painful for the child regardless, so kindness and compassion should be partnered with that directness. In the instance where the parent has died, the child will need to be allowed to grieve and process the loss.
Others believe that the child needs to have those “fantasies” about the absent parent until he or she is old enough to understand the truth. In the interest of “not saying anything negative” about the other parent, some parents choose to keep the truth about a parent’s lack of involvement from seeing the light of day—at least in the early years. I have a friend who has done this and it can be hard to live with having your child hold up an absentee, not involved parent as a hero when you really know otherwise.
Fact or fiction? Which is better? When in doubt, it is a good idea to consult some experts—a counselor, child therapist, psychologist, etc. who can give you tips and techniques for explaining to a child why the missing parent is not coming. I would also love to hear some of your suggestions and experiences with helping children in this situation—any ideas or suggestions?
Also: Watch Using the Term “Dead Beat” in Front of Your Kids
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