“I don’t care what you say!” or “I don’t care what happens”–how many times does a parent hear that in the course of raising a child? I have found, however, that when a child is touting how much he does NOT care about something, it generally is his way of covering up for the fact that he really does care.
Now, this doesn’t mean that we try to force the issue as parents and tell our child, “Of course you care!” as he will just balk and refuse even more. But, it does give us insight into the fact that he is hurting or confused or feeling insecure about something and we can try to figure out what is really going instead of taking what is being said at face value.
In my experience, my child’s actions tell me when he or she doesn’t really care about something. Leaving dirty dishes in the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher means that he or she is too lazy or distracted to put them away and assumes I will take care of it–it is not a rebellious political statement; if a child stops hanging out with a long-time friend and then barks “I don’t care about him anyway” when you ask about it–you can assume that there is some hurt and suffering going on and that the child really DOES care.
I’ve written before about how parenting is often like being a private detective–we have to get past the smokescreens and surface stuff to get down to what is really going on. This can take time and sensitivity. The more confused and upset our child is, the harder it may be for her to talk about what is really going on. Keep in mind that children really do want to be loved, happy, successful, and make their parents and friends proud of them–saying that they “don’t care” is often a way of putting up defenses and protecting themselves from feeling badly about what is happening.
Also: Talk Softly…And They Might Listen
Imagine Things From Your Child’s Perspective