If you have been a single parent for any length of time, eventually you will likely hear your child express that he or she would be much happier if only he could “go live at mom or dad’s house!” For some kids this is an idle threat—used in a moment of frustration or anger; but for others they really do feel an urge and a pull to go live at the other house. As the parent, you may have mixed feelings and wonder what is best, right, and even what is possible?
There is no simple reason why or answer to the request when a child wants to go live with the other parent. Figuring out what is motivating the request is important, but not always easy either. It is important not to assume that the child simply loves the other parent “better” and therefore wants to head across town, state or country. What is really going on?
The child may think that things would be easier at the other house because there are less rules and regulations, not to mention supervision (and she may be right), or he may really be craving a connection with the other parent. It could be that he or she wants to be closer to friends, school, activities, etc. that he or she is attached to. For younger kids, it could be something as seemingly trivial as the fact that she thinks the food, toys, house, etc. are better at the other parent’s house. While all of these may feel very real and important to the child, it is up to the parent to manage the hurt feelings and keep in mind what is truly best for the child.
We cannot ignore that it DOES hurt our feelings, but we do need to keep our heads about us. Lashing back with something hurtful or spiteful, or making a rash decision is not what needs to happen. Instead, we need to cool down and get things in perspective. Remember custody decisions are major and best made in a neutral situation with a cool head—NOT in the midst of a tense and emotional tussle with our children.
Also: Re-visit Co-parenting Assumptions
How Flexible do You Have to be with Your Custody Arrangements?