I think one of the most ambiguous and challenging aspects of parenting can be figuring out when to butt in, and when to mind my own business. From the time my children were tiny, knowing when I should step in and help them up, stop an argument, help with homework, tell them what I think they should do, etc. and when I should be a silent supportive has been a tough one for me. When do we parents intervene? And when do we not?
Safety is a no brainer. If a child is in danger or is doing something unsafe, we know that we need to intervene—we are not going to let our child get electrocuted in order to let him learn a “natural” lesson. But, what about when two children, close in age, are arguing and squabbling—if violence isn’t a problem then do we intervene? I try to stay out of my children’s arguments unless they ask me to help out or there is an obvious imbalance in power. When I do intervene, I try to play the role of facilitator and help them come to a negotiated solution—not be the decision-maker myself.
What about homework, job-hunting, college applications, sports, and other “grey” areas? Standing by and being ready to help IF NEEDED is important, but knowing when to step in and when to encourage the child to keep working on it herself is another matter. It is good for a child to learn how tolerate some frustration and not have mom or dad swoop in at the first sign of trouble, but we also don’t want our child to get so frustrated that he or she gives up. This is where I think it is important to know the child’s personality and develop good skills and boundaries as a parent. Try to look at the big picture and determine what is best for the child in both the long and short term in order to figure out whether to get involved or not (and HOW to get involved.) It may be that just letting them know you are there if they need you and you believe in them will be all the intervention you need to do.
Finally, I think as parents, we need to expect our children to get increasingly independent and increasingly able to handle things on their own. Just because they needed our help with math homework one day, we shouldn’t assume that we should now intervene every single time. Treat each day and each situation as though it were a completely new circumstance instead of leaping in to intervene at the onset because you have needed to in the past.
Also: Are You Rescuing?
Have You Heard of the Term “Helicopter Parents”?