Back in November a Families.com family member, EmptyMarriage, posted a thread in the Marriage & Relationships Forum: Where do I go from here?
For some reason I just happened to see it today. Even though I replied and gave some suggestions for how I would approach her problem, I can’t get her off my mind.
The Situation
EmptyMarriage has been married 20 years, has two daughters, and has weathered the other ups and downs in her marital life, but on this down she’s feeling like she doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore.
Her husband isn’t attentive, doesn’t participate, and is in general being a big relationship slacker. The result is EmptyMarriage is suffering from feelings of neglect, under-appreciation, and not being shown enough love.
Emotional Bank Account Tapped Out
The boat EmptyMarriage finds herself in is one I’ve seen my own grandmother, Wayne’s grandmother, and three neighbors on my old block in at different stages of their marriages. (Mostly later stages, like the 20 year and beyond mark.)
The husbands all went through phases of forgetting to keep giving –while the wives continued to give. And give. And then give some more.
Eventually there comes a breaking point. A throwing in of the towel. A point in time where a “I can’t take this anymore!” juncture is reached.
That’s where EmptyMarriage is at.
After the Breaking Point’s Reached
Confrontation at this point is inevitable. The husband’s going to get an earful. Tears are going to be shed. Ultimatums are going to be delivered.
Then it’s got to be up to him to step up and contribute more –or EmptyMarriage is either (a) going to remain married and miserable, or (b) she’ll walk.
My hope is she can make her husband realize he needs to start making deposits instead of withdrawals –and that he’ll do that.
It might get a smidge worse before it gets better, but sometimes it’s a matter of the husband not realizing just how much taking he’s doing. Sometimes it’s simply a matter of sending an emotional overdraft notice to reestablish the savings in the love account.
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