Many adoptive parents place a high expectation on themselves and think they will feel immediate love for their new baby or child. I have spoken with some adoptive parents who do find it simple to accept a new family member and love them instantly and unconditionally. However, the most common difficulty for some adoptive parents is that they don’t seem to feel what they define as love instantly. Some parents fear this lack of the expected rush of love will hurt their child in some way and without a support system to rely on this can cause major problems.
Understanding there are different levels of love people may experience can make a huge difference. Knowing these feelings are sometimes part of the normal process of adding any new member to the family can help parents feel able to talk with each other.
Therapist, Dr. Clifford Smith of Wilmington, Delaware, once explained three levels of love in the following way:
- The highest level of love is an overwhelming feeling that a person can’t control. The feeling makes a person warm all over when they are with the person they feel intense love for. This kind of love is usually very special and shared with your parents, spouse, or child. It probably doesn’t happen very often, if it did, it might not feel so special.
- The next level of feeling love can be seen in our responses to someone who asks, “Do your love him or her?” When we say, “Yes”, without pausing to think about it for even a moment then a person knows they feel something called love for that person the question was asked about.
- There is another level of love, one where caring and doing loving things such as making lunches, washing clothes, or making doctor appointments and providing stability for someone is shown. This level may last a long time and it is perfectly acceptable as long as a parent is open to the other levels of love. A child does have stability and security with a parent who is only able to meet their needs and, for children this is the most important thing parents can use to demonstrate their love for their child.
Adoptive parents need to stop and think about these issues. What is it that a parent can imagine being required in order to call an adoptive placement successful?
Many parents may never move beyond the lowest level, and it is possible to raise healthy children without loving them on the deepest level. As long as we are, open to the possibility of moving to the higher feelings. This is not a situation to feel guilty about and there isn’t a reason to seek therapy, many parents’ even biological parents feel this kind of love for their child.
Other parents might move from the lowest feelings of love very quickly. Some parents might even start out with a deeper feeling of love. Or they may feel a deeper feeling of love for some children and not with others.
Children also experience varying levels love for their parents. Some children may never feel deeply devoted to their parents or even show love back to them. The important thing is that all children will come to feel safe and secure living in the home with their adoptive family.
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