One of the major adjustments to and challenges of parenting is getting used to an entirely new little person and personality. No matter who you imagined your unborn child would be or how blissfully and psychically you thought you would be communicating, sometimes a parent and a child have temperaments that not only don’t “match”, but they can really be an abrasive clash! Just because this is one of the common adjustments to parenting certainly doesn’t make it easy–it can be a lifelong process coping with major personality differences between we parents and our children.
I know when I was an expectant, first-time mom I had totally preconceived notions about what my unborn daughter would be like. My euphoric innocence contributed to my imagining mine and her father’s best qualities all put together in this extraordinary little package. Well, she certainly is an extraordinary little package–as are my other two children–but they didn’t necessarily get the “best” of both parents. Some of our most unsavory traits and characteristics showed up in there–as well as some that they each came with, and some that I have no idea where they came from. In short, they are their own individual personalities and we definitely don’t always mesh. But, sometimes, a parent and a child are so incredibly different or opposite that it can seem you’ll never be able to communicate on the same wavelength or get on the same page!
I think acceptance and unconditional love are at the root of the healthy parent-child connection. No matter how difficult your child may be to understand, if you can convey complete acceptance and unconditional love, you have the basis for a sound and lasting relationship. Over time, as you get to know your child, you learn ways to cope and adjust to the differences–and you may actually grow to really appreciate a temperament and personality that is completely different from your own–but to start with, just accepting, appreciating and offering all the unconditional love you can muster will get things off on the right track.
I also think that as a child ages, a parent starts to feel her limitations. When they are tiny, we kid ourselves into believing we have more control and influence over the outcome of their personality and temperament than we actually do. By the time they hit those late teenage years, we start to realize that there are parts of their personalities that have been there since day one (if not before) and there is absolutely nothing we can or could have done to change that. We can let ourselves off the hook a little, make the separation and start to really appreciate how unique and different our child really is. It helps if you can find other adults who really do “get” and are a match with your child’s temperament and personality–this can give you a fresh perspective and you’ll see that what is driving you kooky is something someone else finds delightful.
So, for those of you who have a child or children who seem so completely different from you wonder if the stork really did bring them–hang in there! The differences in perspective and temperament really are a blessing and you’ll find yourself expanded and evolved in so many new and unforeseen ways!
See Also: Where on Earth Did You Get an Idea Like That?