Have you or your spouse ever needed to undergo surgery? As my regular readers may know, both my husband and I have both needed surgery in the last three months. Three months, it’s kind of scary when you think that’s all it’s been since I took Scott to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. It was the first weekend of December and the following day was Cassidy’s birthday party. It was a scary night, all told, while the doctors worked diligently to diagnose why he was in so much pain and running such a high fever.
It happened so quickly, the need to get him into surgery before it ruptured that we really didn’t have time to think about it. It seems like a lifetime ago. He was in the hospital from Saturday evening until late on Monday. He looked so exhausted and he was so very weak after the surgery – the following week was equal parts hard and elating, because he was alive and he was well.
My Surgery Was Different
As fast as his surgery was, mine was a more prolonged event. I went to the doctor for a regular checkup and we discovered a problem. They sent me for a sonogram and they discovered a mass. They sent me to a specialist who detailed what the mass could be and finally, they scheduled me for the surgery. We had two long weeks to consider, contemplate, worry and fret, because we didn’t know what the mass would turn out to be.
As a family, we worked diligently to not think about it and not focus on it and not to worry. Yet, there was still time to worry because I was having more and more problems as the surgery date approached. The pain I was in increased and my ability to do things grew more handicapped. A couple of days before the surgery, I called my mom at 5:30 a.m. because I was in so much pain.
I just needed someone to talk to while the painkillers kicked in. I didn’t realize my daughter was listening nor that she would wake my husband up to tell him that Mommy needed him. He got up (he hates the early hours of the morning) and came out to just talk to me – and after a while, the painkillers were working and I was far more functional.
The day of the surgery, it was such a relief and so surreal. We got up and got our daughter ready for school. We talked to her for a while and then my mother-in-law arrived, it was time for us to get in the car and go. My daughter gave me a strong hug and a kiss and I told her I would see her after school and off we went. My husband and I were in our own world as we drove in to the hospital, I hadn’t been allowed to eat, drink (smoke) or take any of my painkillers. I’m pretty sure I was lousy company.
At the hospital, we checked in and back to the A.M. surgery admit we went and then the waiting became interminable. My husband was a real trooper though, he helped me get changed, he sat and he talked to me and he kept it light and focused on the fun as much as possible. When it was time for me to go, you could see it in his eyes – he was worried, but he wasn’t going to let the fear get to him.
Having Surgery is Scary
Having surgery is scary for a couple, even when a procedure is routine. The fear comes from watching one partner undergo the discomfort and pain associated with the procedures; the fear also stems from the reality that all you can do is watch, wait and comfort. You are not the doctor who will make the repair and you are not the nurse taking their vitals. You are just a person, alone, waiting to find out that your lover and loved one is going to make it through the procedure. After that, you are waiting, taking care of them, trying to keep their spirits up and focusing on all the positives you can while you wait for the results and eventually for the healing.
Surgery Affects Both of You
I speak from experience here, surgery affects both of you; it’s hard on the partner undergoing the surgery and it’s hard on the partner waiting for the news. It’s important to recognize that you are both experiencing this event and that you both need each other on every level – physically, mentally, emotionally and yes, even spiritually. It’s a time where your friendship and companionship will be exceptionally important to both of you.
So if you or you spouse needs surgery in the future, embrace each other, because it can be the greatest gift and support either of you will receive during the time. Being there for each other in every way will give you someone to hold onto when you feel terrible or alone or frightened and I can honestly say that while the painkillers help and the housecleaning helps and the run and fetch and carry helps, it’s when my husband holds my hand, smiles at me, brushes the hair out of my face and gives me a gentle look that I feel the best and know that it’s all going to be okay.
Have you or your spouse needed surgery recently?
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