In my early experiences of trying to discipline my stepdaughter with ADHD, things got really rough. I mentioned in a previous blog that on one occasion we found that a can of paint had been mysteriously opened and poured purposely across our bathroom cabinets. We also found holes dug in the walls after we had tried standing her in the corner on an occasion when her behavior was outrageous. She had sneakily taken her fingernails and dug deep pits into the walls. How she did it without being observed is a mystery. On another occasion, she scribbled all over the television set with a permanent marker. Each time, my stepdaughter later admitted that she had done these things for revenge.
C.M. Charles, in his book, Building Classroom Discipline, tells the following story of one little girl who took revenge on her teacher:
“Julie was looking at a book that the teacher had brought in to read to the class. Cindy came over and grabbed it away, saying she wanted to read it. Miss Allen gave the book back to Julie and told Cindy to go sit in the hall. When Miss Allen was cleaning up the room after school, she found the book torn into pieces. She was shocked and hurt by Cindy’s behavior. Miss Allen had punished Cindy and Cindy had taken revenge. Her revenge hurt Miss Allen, which was exactly what Cindy had intended.”
Seeking revenge is the third mistaken goal of children who misbehave. As I have explained previously, there are four mistaken goals which lead to misbehavior:
- Seeking Attention.
- Seeking Power.
- Seeking Revenge.
- Seeking Emotional Isolation.
Each of these mistaken goals is the child’s attempt to belong. All children want to be loved, accepted, to fit in, and to belong. But some children have incorrect or mistaken goals which they erroneously believe will somehow achieve that end.
Children who seek revenge have motivations similar to those who seek power. They want to be able to do what they want, without anyone getting in the way. These children do not care about consequences. Instead of seeing consequences as a natural result of their misbehavior, they view the action as an attack which justifies a counter strike. Consequences justify revenge in their minds. “She’ll be sorry she took that book away. I’m going to rip that book to shreds.”
One way to know whether your child is truly seeking revenge is to ask yourself how the behavior makes you feel. If you feel hurt by your child’s actions, rather than just irritated, revenge-seeking is likely to be your child’s motivation.
How to Redirect This Kind of Misbehavior
- Point out the mistaken goal. Calmly explain to your son (or daughter) that you believe he is trying to hurt you. Ask him why he wants to do this. Often times this will open up some communication that is more constructive than the game-playing antics of revenge seeking. Ask questions, and allow your child to respond. Why do you feel you need to hurt me this way? Do you think hurting others will make things better or worse?
- Encourage and support talents. These children are suffering from a tremendous lack of self-esteem. They feel they need to even the score in order to feel less small and insignificant. “If I get back at you, then I’m not helpless. I’m important.” They would benefit tremendously from attention being paid to their talents, and from having many opportunities to use them. An artistic child should have plenty of time to paint and draw and should have his work proudly displayed. An athletic child should be supported by parents who attend his games and cheer him on. A musical child should get to perform and experiment with new instruments.
- Reward good behavior with a lot of attention. Apply the principle of little or no attention to bad behavior, and a whole lot of praise when the child is acting appropriately.
- Have your child make amends. If the child damages property, she should be required to make restitution by earning the money for repairs or replacements. She should clean up the mess herself, rather than be screamed at and humiliated. The parental response to revenge-seeking behavior should be calm and stern. “You broke that towel rack, and you will need to help fix it.” Avoid yelling and hysterics. Again, you want to minimize attention to the child but still address the issue. The child should go to the store, help pay for a replacement rack, and help Dad hold the drill as it’s attached to the wall. My stepdaughter was required to sand and remove all the paint from the cabinets before she could play. It was very hard work, and I doubt she’ll want to try the paint tactic again.
- Give her your love and attention. Often and for no reason at all (but not during misbehavior)give the child affection. “I love you,” and “You’re so special to me,” are words that these children desperately need to hear and believe. Make eye contact with your child and follow-up your words by giving your time and attention. Schedule one-on-one activities and rebuild your relationship.
Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here. Some links on this blog may have been generated by outside sources are not necessarily endorsed by Kristyn Crow.