I wrote yesterday the first part of a two-part article about the problem of negotiating between your kids and a step-parent. I wrote about maneuvering and addressing issues when you are the one in the middle between your kids and a new partner or step-parent of your choosing. It can be a completely different ball game when your ex-spouse or partner re-marries and introduces a new step-parent into the picture that you have NOT chosen, and you might not even really know…
My kids’ father has re-partnered and this has added new dimensions to and expanded our family in new directions. We’ve been through stages with it and different complaints have popped up at different times. In the beginning, my kids were wary. They were old enough and their father had been single long enough that they wanted him to find someone and be happy, but they were seasoned enough to be a bit skeptical. To her credit, she did a lot of things right and they took plenty of time to get to know each other and the kids so my kids actually grew to like her and think of her as part of the family.
Once they all became part of the same household, it took on increased intensity however, and that’s when I started to hear more complaints. When they’d come back from spending time at their dad’s house, there could be some definite issues they wanted to talk through. I’ve found my position to be that of neutral sounding board and someone who was trying to interject a little objectivity and explanation into things. Since they are kids, they could only see things from their point of view, whereas I could imagine what it was like from the new step-parent’s perspective too. Of course, this meant I had to be a grown-up and swallow my desire to always defend and commiserate with my kids–but I know they can be pills and things are not always as they seem from a kid‘s perspective. I have been able to foster a swath of empathy and understanding for the step-parent and know that she is now a part of our family whether I chose her or not. She’s a part of things and a part of my kids’ history now too.
The toughest part, I think, is knowing when to intervene and say something to their dad, and when to just talk things through with my kids, and when to let things go. I haven’t figured out a formula for it yet, but as my kids get older I do encourage them to deal with things more directly–to talk to the step-parent or to their father. Of course, with younger kids, you will have to serve as more of an intermediary. Stay calm and try to keep some perspective. I think it helps if you look at is another step in the long-term process of family and relationship building. Again, as I mentioned in part one, if children complain of physical or sexual abuse, or anything that seems inappropriate to you–you must take immediate action and get help. You can always apologize after the fact if it proves to be untrue, but you can‘t mess around with these sorts of allegations or complaints–for the sake of your children.
Also: When Your Kids Complain About a Step-Parent–Part One