It is so incredibly common for children in divorced and separated families to try to play both parents off each other than we could probably write and talk about this for a month. If one of both of the biological parents re-marries or re-partners, that adds step parents to the mix and provides even more adults for children to create drama with. If there is a step-parent in your child’s life, chances are he or she will try to drum up some drama or report on something that one of the step parents said in order to see how you will react. How will you react?
Staying neutral is the ideal, but can be oh so difficult! What if a child says something like: “Mary said that you are a bad mom” or “Mary says that dad loves her more than he did you”? Not only can it catch us off guard and be incredibly shocking and hurtful, but it can come out of the blue in such a way that we may something we regret before we have time to censor ourselves.
Whether the step-parent actually uttered the offending words is really beside the point. We have to find a way to NOT get sucked in and to let things go. Coming up with a pat, neutral answer can help so that you have something to say: “I would rather not hear negative things that are said at the other house” or “We try not to gossip about people at this house” can be brief, but effective ways to respond and let your child know that you do not want to get sucked into worrying about what is being said about you by a step-parent. It is the rare divorced or separated family does not have some miscommunications and misunderstandings about one another but you can help to minimize these by not getting swept up, resentful, and saying things that you will come to regret.