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Who am I and What am I Doing Here?

I’m tired and I woke up this morning and I wasn’t quite sure what the day was or even what time it was. As I looked at the clock, my eyes blurred over and it took fifteen minutes of having hot water pound me in the face to wake me up. The doctors let my husband come home yesterday, but he’s got to take it very easy over the next few days to let the stitches and staples heal.

I’m Exhausted

I’m physically exhausted, I’m mentally exhausted and I’m emotionally exhausted. Over the last three days, I seem to have run the gamut of emotions from frustration to worry to fear to relief and to stress again. In the middle of all of this, I hosted my daughter’s sixth birthday party because we didn’t want to cancel it and it was a great distraction for her fears and worries.

So this morning, here I am – feeling seriously like who am I and what I am doing here? I don’t know – yesterday, Catherine and many others mentioned to me about how scared I must have been – but at the time, I didn’t feel the fear. In fact, I felt pretty divorced from all my feelings. I walked him into that Emergency Room and my goals were pretty clear-cut.

I Was In Charge

I got all the paper work filled out, we got him moved back to an exam room and we met the nicest nurse I’ve ever met in my entire life. Her name was Robin and her attitude, professionalism and innate cheerfulness was extremely welcome respite from previous experiences I’ve had in emergency rooms. Not long after getting him there, they put him on heavy-duty pain medications and he was no longer legally able to make his own decisions – so it all fell on me.

I spent half the night listening to him ramble, talking to the doctors, relaying information to my mother-in-law who was looking after our daughter and pacing. Yes, I paced because there was nothing else to do in the interminable waiting, but pace. I made lists, because I knew there were things to be done and when they wheeled him off to surgery, I could do nothing but pace.

When we knew he came through it all right and that he would be out of it for several hours. I drove home – I don’t remember the drive and I got about 45 minutes of sleep after sending my mother-in-law home to rest before my daughter awoke.

I Stayed Calm

When she climbed onto the bed with me and asked where her daddy was, I explained to her the situation and kept it in terms that she could understand. I walked her through it and I comforted her when she started to cry. I soothed her fears and left her tucked into my bed watching cartoons while I made coffee for me and hot cocoa for her. A few hours later, we drove up to the hospital to see her daddy and he looked terrible, but he also looked wonderful at the same time.

She was scared and we both soothed her fears and she got to hold his hand and he told her to go to her party and to enjoy it and then we would come back up to the hospital and tell him all about it. So we left the hospital on a mission to finish gathering everything together for her birthday party. I never really stopped moving and by the time we got to the party, it was a blur of events that my daughter thoroughly enjoyed. I even met a mother of one of my daughter’s friends that it turns out I went to school with way back in the ninth grade — what a strange world.

Coming Home

His infection cleared up a great deal and he was taken off his I.V. pain medications in the morning. He met the surgeon and they went over the care of his incisions and more. We picked up my nephew from school (I’d kept my daughter home) and we went up to the hospital to pick him up. She was deliriously happy to have him home and it was great to bring him in and settle him into a chair.

She brought out all her birthday presents to show them to him and the wonderful, homemade get well card she made for him. Then we dragged out all the Christmas decorations and the kids decorated the tree for him. I helped and then made dinner and the kids enjoyed having him home thoroughly. It wasn’t until late last night, after my nephew and family went home and our daughter went to sleep and I was looking at my husband dozing in his chair.

He was home.

He was okay.

He was still with us.

Yeah – that’s when the last three days hit me square between the eyes. Christmas and the holidays are all about family and being together and mine is still together and I am profoundly grateful. Who am I and what am I doing here? I’m blessed and I am wishing many blessings on all of your families as well.

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About Heather Long

Heather Long is 35 years old and currently lives in Wylie, Texas. She has been a freelance writer for six years. Her husband and she met while working together at America Online over ten years ago. They have a beautiful daughter who just turned five years old. She is learning to read and preparing for kindergarten in the fall. An author of more than 300 articles and 500+ web copy pieces, Heather has also written three books as a ghostwriter. Empty Canoe Publishing accepted a novel of her own. A former horse breeder, Heather used to get most of her exercise outside. In late 2004, early 2005 Heather started studying fitness full time in order to get herself back into shape. Heather worked with a personal trainer for six months and works out regularly. She enjoys shaking up her routine and checking out new exercises. Her current favorites are the treadmill (she walks up to 90 minutes daily) and doing yoga for stretching. She also performs strength training two to three times a week. Her goals include performing in a marathon such as the Walk for Breast Cancer Awareness or Team in Training for Lymphoma research. She enjoys sharing her knowledge and experience through the fitness and marriage blogs.