One of the saddest parts of being a single parent is not having anyone to share my happiness. Of course I have a support system, friends and family who are delighted when my daughter reaches a milestone or achieves something she has been working towards. They patiently listen when I tell them how smart she is, how kind, how incredibly amazing.
It’s not the same as sharing those things with the one other person in the world who has the same intense love for your child that you have. I remember talking with my ex husband when our daughter was small. Everything she did was wonderful, amazing, we were sure there had never been another child like her or parents as blessed as we were.
Everything she did was something to marvel over, amazed every minute by the fact that we had created this wonderful human being. Now there is just me. My daughter’s father and I have a good relationship, but he has a new life and we are no longer best friends. I call him to share the big things, good grades, a part in a school play, parent teacher conferences. The little things fall to the wayside. Now there is a loneliness to the joy of parenting.
I remember when my daughter was born and how we looked forward to each and every minute, including the day we would stand on the porch and welcome our grandchildren. Now, if I marry again, he won’t know the little girl we knew. He won’t look at my granddaughter, dancing down the hallway and say “She’s just like her mother.” He won’t remember when my grandson wants one more story, that his Momma was the same way about books. Sometimes thinking of what was lost makes me angry.
It’s very heartbreaking, almost as if her history is no longer as important as it would have been if her father and I had stayed together. Our memories are diluted by separation rather than reinforced by repeated reminiscing.
I have people to share these stories with, but it doesn’t have the same tone, the same joy. There is no one else to share my busting at the seams joy and that, in itself, takes away just the tiniest bit of joy, for me, and for my amazing child.