My last blog told about the much-longer wait times experienced by couples adopting from China. I mentioned that one reason is that most adoptive parents wish to adopt a girl. Most adoptive families, even those who want girls themselves, are surprised to hear how many other adoptive families want girls also.
Some theories on why this preference exists are: that it’s mostly the prospective mother who drives the adoption process, and she may want a girl like herself, or that single mothers may feel that they can more effectively provide a role model to a child of the same gender.
I must confess that, although I was officially open to either gender, I found myself most often drawn to girls I saw on the Waiting Children photolistings. The Waiting Child program attracted me with the feeling of control, since I felt free to read about different children and express interest in any of them rather than passively waiting for a referral.
I had one biological son at the time, and I wanted to experience parenting both genders. Also, while I had come to love being a mother of a son, I grew up in a family of daughters and had always envisioned myself having one—and then once she was here, I wanted her to have the sister relationships I had. Also, my husband and I had talked about wanting kids somewhat close in age, but wanting to avoid the competition that often comes between close-in-age siblings. We thought the competition would be lessened if the kids were different genders.
Sometimes we may have darker fears within us too. I remember thinking that if my child’s birth father was violent—perhaps the birthmother lived in a domestic violence situation or had been raped–I would be less nervous if the child was a girl, because girls are are less likely to have the physical strength or peer encouragement to physically hurt others.
I do believe that if I were to adopt again, I would probably be comfortable taking on a boy whose birthfather had had some violent tendencies. I do think environment is the most important thing—that a tendency toward violence or impulsiveness or hyper-sensitivity can be inherited, but kids can be taught to channel it in the right direction. Yet I admit it would likely be in the back of my mind.
Adoption social workers have been quoted in adoption publications lately as saying that it’s very hard to have boys waiting in foster care instead of finding a family to adopt them in a timely fashion, and also very hard to see adoptive parents suffer while they wait for a girl. One social worker said she often wished parents could try to be open to the wonder of parenting boys.
On this Memorial Day, I’d like to refer readers to a Memorial Day blog I previously wrote—the year I realized just how much my ability to adopt internationally was due to the Americans who fought in the Korean War. Please look at:
A Memorial Day Thank-You to Those Who Served