The one thing we all know is true about international adoption is that there is a lot of paperwork. The compilation of the dossier is usually a huge job in itself – often taking several months. There are calls to make, emails to send, documents to obtain, forms to fill out, and the list goes on. As all of this work begins, someone obviously has to take care of it. While I am confident that there are some couples who manage to evenly divide the “job” that is adoption, it seems to be fairly rare. Instead, the bulk of the work and responsibility seems to migrate towards one person.
There are several good reasons for one person to be the go-to person on your adoption. Have one person as the contact for agencies and social workers eliminates confusion. One person managing the filing of the paperwork means that things are less likely to be lost. However, the result may also be that the person who takes on the “adoption job” begins to feel put upon and perhaps resent the fact that their spouse is not as involved as they are.
For us, I am the “go-to” person for our adoptions (I’ll bet you never guessed that!). I am very detail oriented and like to be in charge of things like that. I was the natural person to do it. However, after a solid month of doing nothing but dossier compilation for our Guatemalan adoption, I began to feel a little irritated at my spouse. I began to feel that I was the one doing all of the work while he just got to reap the benefit of enjoying our child when he finally arrived. A family meeting of sorts was in order and my husband and I sat down to talk. We quickly resolved that I wanted to do the adoption work, but that I wanted him to notice it and to be appreciative that I was doing it.
As you begin your adoption or as you continue to progress through your adoption, this issue may come up as well. Make sure that you take the time to discuss it and come up with a solution that works for you. Maybe you can divide the responsibilities between the two of you or perhaps it is a project that you can do together as a couple. Or, like us, maybe the person who takes on the job of your adoption just needs to know that they are appreciated.