It is not easy as parents, to be at our wits end with a toddler who is being unreasonable. I mentioned in my first article that I used to think bratty toddlers were a reflection of their parents. After having one of my own very strong willed toddlers, I see things a little differently. Today my challenge is for we parents to learn to embrace those tantrums as part of our child’s unique temperament. They don’t need to be ’fixed’ as much as they need to be nurtured towards using their abilities appropriately.
Meghan, as a toddler used to love throwing temper tantrums in public. She thought this was the perfect place to display her battle of wills. I actually think it had a lot to do with the fact that she was more bored, whereas at home, she had all her favorite toys. But the point is, she wasn’t throwing them because I let her get away with everything. She was throwing them because that’s just part of who she is.
Knowing that I couldn’t give in to her, but also recognizing that neither was I in any shape, being pregnant with twins, to simply enforce my will. I had to come up with a plan. So, I put her in charge. I let her decide when we’d cross the street, which side we’d walk on, who would unlock the door. . .any decision I could reasonably give her, I did.
Did it work? Sometimes. Sometimes it didn’t and I either had to give in to her (and believe me, when you’re 38 weeks pregnant with twins there are times when giving in is totally worth it) and sometimes I had to physically remove her from the situation.
However, one of the key goals in parenting a toddler is not only gaining obedience but also encouraging their natural gifts and abilities. And yes, being strong willed is a gift. I often see parents in public completely frustrated (and believe me, I’ve been there too) by the behavior of their toddler. If you’ve been there and know what I’m talking about, my challenge is this: think about how your toddler’s strong willed temperament can be their gift to share with others.
If you’ll allow me to fast forward. . .I mentioned Meghan is now four. She recently was with a group of her buddies and someone started throwing rocks at an injured bird. This someone is at least 6 inches taller than Meghan and was of the male gender but about the same age. The group stood around and watched for a few seconds (I saw it but didn’t realize what was happening) and then there goes Meghan sticking her body in the middle of the group.
She walked right up to that boy and said with fierce determination, “You will not touch that bird. Go away and leave it alone!” By this time there were adults running interference and he didn’t have time to respond.
We were talking about it later and I asked if it was because she loved little birdies so much that she said something. She looked at me, let out a little grunt of exasperation and said, “No mom. I did it because what he did was wrong. If I didn’t say something, I would’ve been wrong too.”
Conviction, determination, and tenaciousness are all as much a part of being strong willed as are incurable temper tantrums. So my ‘parenting the strong willed toddler’ tip of the day is to learn to look at these battle of the wills differently. Learn to see what could become rather than what is at the immediate moment.
In my next blog in this series, we’ll look at characteristics of strong willed toddlers.