My ex husband is great at making me feel like a failure in my daughter’s eyes. When we first divorced he made sure to tell our daughter, over and over again, that I was the one who left him. If it wasn’t for me she would still have her Daddy, her house, her room, her school. This was all my fault.
I was not about to share the stories of infidelity that lead to the divorce with my ten year old so when she said “This is your fault, you left Daddy, he didn’t want us to leave.” I had to admit, that yes, I left Daddy and yes, he wanted us to stay so this was my fault.
We’ve managed over the years to come to a truce, we get along well, for the most part, however, he still believes that everything, from our divorce to global warming, is my fault.
When our daughter was cutting herself and I turned to him, pleading with him to help her, he did, but not until he made sure that I knew this was my fault. Children of divorce suffer. Children who live in single parent homes suffer. My fault.
This makes it really hard to go to him with issues I’m having with our daughter. Things that I think should be dealt with by both parents presenting a united front, never turn out that way.
On the phone he may say, she’s behaving like a spoiled brat, and we come up with a plan. But when we, or rather I, try to implement that plan, the consequences of her actions, I’m met by resistance from him.
He throws his arm around our daughter, pulls her close, and tells her he understands that I put too much pressure on her and that only perfect is good enough for me, but, of course, he loves her just the way she is.
Again, I’m a failure, I don’t love her as much as Daddy, I don’t understand her like her Daddy does, I’m mean. More Mommy guilt.
Failure is a harsh, ugly thing, but it is also the only thing that leads to success. Only by failing do we learn what works and what doesn’t, it gives us a starting point to try again. When it comes to parenting, all you can really do, is keep trying and hope, no matter what anyone else thinks, that you are getting it at least a little right.