OK, so maybe this is a question that I would never verbalize, but it is definitely a question I have asked in my heart a time or two.
For the past few days I have been pretty much house-ridden because one of my children has been sick with the flu. Last night, at the end of day three, I felt myself becoming very frustrated. My husband had been busy all weekend. In fact, I had hardly seen him at all. I started to feel a little put out that I was the one who had been solely responsible for taking care of both kids over the weekend.
Then, after church last night he walked in the door and I thought, “Finally, I can have a few minutes to myself.” and then the phone rang. It was for him, and by the caller, I knew this was not going to be a two-minute phone conversation. I sighed and got back to work getting the kids into their pajamas. With that done, I went into my room, book-in-hand, and thought, “I deserve this time,” and ignored what was going on in the living room.
I know that this is a serious admission, how selfish could I be, right? Well, about the time my husband had both kids asleep, I realized that he hadn’t had anything to eat for dinner and it was 8:30 PM. I know that he is capable of finding his own food, but he had been at church and come home only to get on the phone and handle the kids. I set out to the kitchen and grumblingly got to work on making him something to eat.
Then, as if I’d run into a brick wall, God laid a song on my heart. The words are:
Lord, let me serve,
Lord, let me follow,
Give me a place,
And a purpose to fill.Teach me to serve,
Teach me to follow.
Use me to do Your will.
“How many times have I sung that song?” I wondered. Did I ever really think about what it meant or if I was fulfilling the words? There are so many songs about service (not to mention scriptures!) that I have sung, at the time believing the words, but not letting their meaning sink down into my heart.
I have told God many times that I want to serve Him. I have thanked Him for the opportunity to be able to stay home with my children and take care of my husband. However, when the going got tough and I felt like I didn’t get what I “deserved” in return, I resented it.
I realized last night that my “place and purpose to fill” is that of taking care of the children God’s given me, even when they are sick and my husband isn’t able to be around.
Where was my husband? Working a second job, for one. Then, he was preaching in our church and holding a nursing home service. I know, I’m terrible!
I am so thankful that God showed me exactly how ugly and ungodly my spirit had become. I know this will probably not be the last time God has to show me that my attitude is one of selfishness and ungratefulness, but I am so thankful for His mercy and forgiveness. Sometimes we all need a reminder that God has called us not to be masters, but to be servants.
When What I Want Isn’t What God Wants