A couple of weeks ago, my nine-year-old stepdaughter opened a can of paint that was in the back of a utility cabinet, and spread it all over our guest bathroom. When my husband and I asked her why, she only shrugged. Not too many days prior to this incident, she took a black permanent marker and scribbled all over our television, covering everything but the screen. Remember, this is a nine-year-old. She has done some very peculiar things that are humorous now in retrospect, but were extremely aggravating in the moment. For example, she took a hedge clipper and chopped a gigantic smiley face in one of our front yard bushes. It grins at me every time I back out of the driveway. I don’t grin back.
Before selecting a form of discipline for a child who has misbehaved, it is important to do a little bit of analysis. By asking ourselves these questions, we can get to know our child better and have a sense of what is really going on.
1. Is the behavior developmentally appropriate? Obviously if my daughter were two years old and had scribbled on the television set, her behavior would be understandable. Every two-year-old with the tiniest bit of freedom has written on walls or furniture. A child whose behavior is developmentally appropriate need not be disciplined, but rather redirected toward better choices. For example, the two-year-old could be told, “Oh dear, we don’t write on furniture! Look, we write on paper.” For the developmentally delayed child, a parent must consider his cognitive ability. Does he understand the consequences of his actions? To what degree?
2. What is going on in the child’s life? Are there factors to take into account, such as a recent move, a death in the family, divorce, sexual abuse, or trauma? Certainly significant emotional events in a child’s life can trigger atypical behaviors. Have some one-on-one time with your child and ask questions. “Is something bothering you? I’d really like to help you if you’re having a hard time.” A child who says he doesn’t know what’s wrong might just need suggestions. “Could it be that Dad has been working long hours lately, and you miss him?” Let your child express himself and be a good, non-judgmental listener. Sometimes something as simple as a teacher relocating your child’s desk away from a friend can feel tragic.
3. What is the child’s emotional state? We all know that a child who is exhausted can throw tantrums, sob, or otherwise overreact. Some children are irritable when they’re hungry. Some act out in response to being teased, or being left behind by older siblings. Take a step back and evaluate what the child might have been experiencing in the moment of the misbehavior. Is she ill? Is he depressed? Was someone taunting her?
4. What is the timing of the behavior? Is the child acting out just prior to Mom and Dad going out on a date? Is he consistently cranky after school gets out? Does she get into trouble on Saturdays, when her parents are working in the yard and she’s bored? Take a look at the time of day and consider whether it plays any role in the child’s actions.
5. How does the child’s temperament or disability relate to the situation? A child with a learning disability, developmental delay, or behavioral disorder must have that issue taken into account when determining how to resolve behavior problems. My son with autism, Kyle, had severe tantrums as a toddler. I had to find innovative ways to motivate him to behave properly. (Read my blog, “The Magic Train Book: How I Motivated My Autistic Son to Sit Quietly in Church” for more information.) A child whose natural temperament is to be dramatic and rambunctious might have to be forgiven for occasionally being a bit too loud and active.
Misbehaving = Misunderstood
We should recognize that a misbehaving child is a misunderstood child. Once we understand the motivation for the child’s choices, we can find ways to redirect the behavior, and use appropriate discipline. (See my blog “Discipline and the Special-Needs Child: An Act of Love” for discipline ideas.)
In my stepdaughter’s case, I determined that some of her behaviors could be explained by her ADHD. A lack of impulse control is a common symptom of the disorder. This doesn’t excuse her behavior or make it permissible, but it does help in trying to understand what’s going on. Another factor, I reasoned, was her desperate need for attention stemming from her parents’ divorce. I decided I would make a greater effort to spend some personal one-on-one time with her, where she could talk about her feelings openly.
Trying to understand my stepdaughter on a deeper level has helped me to feel less aggravated, and less perplexed when she acts out. Thus, I’m less reactionary when problems occur. My goal is to find ways to encourage her to make better choices, and we’re beginning to have success.
But I’m still not fond of the smiley face bush.