Parents and kids hear the words ‘fail’, ‘retained’, or ‘held back’ and instant panic sets in. “Not my child!” I’ve even seen parents ‘bully’ their way to the principal’s office demanding reevaluation. For some reason, we as parents can’t get past the stigma of being left behind a grade. However, I am convinced that being held back in the early years is much more beneficial to the child than struggling through elementary school.
A Developmental Process
Maybe instead of saying a child is being retained we should say they are on a different learning curve. Truth be told things like reading and even math are developmental. We tend to think of milestones like walking and sitting up but the truth is that developmental milestones last well into the early elementary years.
Around the corner from my house there’s a tutoring place that offers tutoring for preschool to 12th grade. With the pressure to succeed many parents buy into this line of thinking–that they have to get their preschooler tutored if he/she doesn’t know his entire alphabet by age 3. To me, having a normal (as in not ’special needs’) child tutored at the age of 3 is akin to saying, “My child wasn’t walking by 12mos so I’m having him tutored in walking.”
While it is normal to know one’s alphabet at three, it is also normal not to be reading until age 9 and even later for boys. You might be surprised to know that reading early really has no bearing on one’s future academic success.
The Benefits of Retention
Although it is normal not to read until later, first graders are generally retained for not being able to read. However, retention should not be considered a stigma. Kids who are retained early frequently do better in school. It gives them more time to develop naturally on their own and pick up skills. Students who are retained early tend to also suffer less stigmatism than those who continue to struggle throughout early elementary. Overall, students who are retained early enjoy a higher level of academic success.
Explaining Away the Stigma of Retention
However, for some parents and for kids, it’s hard to look at the overall picture. To help explain your decision to retain your child (or the school’s) it’s good to emphasize the child’s strengths and point out that other strengths just need time to develop. Emphasize as well the role your child might enjoy as one of the older students in the class. A sensitive teacher will recognize the need to give your child special jobs or in other ways help with the adjustment.
The Big Picture
My husband spent his entire elementary and middle school career in TAG programs. My mother-in-law says that although he was clearly gifted, she wished she had held him back one year. I was surprised to hear this. When I asked her why she said that although he could read and academically ‘compete’ she felt that he just would’ve benefited from another year to develop. She feels he would’ve enjoyed school more if he were left another year to explore on his own.
We often don’t have the whole big picture when we are making decisions for our little ones. However, keeping in mind the overall development of the child, will help in making retention a positive thing for your child.
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