I used to be the queen of ultimatums. When my children were little, they still had some bite to them since we were all still getting to know each other and my kids seemed to have shorter attention spans. If I lost my cool and said something like, “We’re never going to the park (store, restaurant, zoo, etc.) again!” even if it FELT like I meant it at the time, I could feel myself regretting having said it as soon as it spewed out of my mouth!
We may think that issuing threats and ultimatums give us power and control over our kids, but they actually do just the opposite. First, we tend to use this technique when all else fails and we’ve run out of options. Our kids know that. And, secondly, when we issue an emotional threat or ultimatum and then don’t follow through—we lose credibility in the eyes of our children.
It is far better to cool off and think things through than to bark out something threatening in order to get an immediate reaction, influence our child’s behavior, or express frustration. Sometimes, it is best to keep things in the moment (stopping a child from running in front of traffic), while at other times, a parent may need to take some time to get things in perspective. If you feel yourself start to go to a place where you want to issue a threat or offer up an ultimatum (“If you don’t stop xyz behavior, then you will never get to do pdq”)—stop, breathe, count backwards, or whatever it takes to get calm. Most of us don’t think well under pressure and duress and when we get frazzled as parents, we are most likely to say things that we will either regret, or won’t be able to follow through on. It is better to take the time to be impeccable honest, than to say something that we will later rescind. This teaches our children that we don’t mean the things we say and cannot be counted on to keep our cool and stay in control.
Of course, we are certainly NOT perfect and in the heat of the moment we very well may say things we regret. But, as a long-term, behavior-changing parenting technique, threats and ultimatums really don’t work.
See Also: Words that Discipline
Parents Say the Darndest Things