I had assumed that, since my older daughter was using a few words (among them the Korean word for “mommy”) at the time of her adoption, I would tell her that I was her new mommy. Many mothers who adopt from Korea have a necklace made with the Korean characters for mother. These, along with T shirts, are also available with the characters for “grandmother” and other family members.
I sent a photo album for the foster mother to show the child, in which I had painfully transcribed family members’ roles in English and Korean. I saw her point to the picture and show Meg some words, and point to us.
This assumption that I would be Meg’s new “umma” (the child’s word for “omoni”, like “mommy” for “mother”) fell flat, however.
The first time I found myself holding Meg, pointing at my chest and saying “umma”, she gave me this look I will never forget. “You’ve got to be kidding.” She wasn’t upset, but I swear she just looked at me with those wise, spirited eyes like she was thinking “Listen, lady, I know what my umma looks like, and you’re nothing close.”
I had to admit it was a bit of a stretch. Her umma, who had cared for her for the last ten months, had just said goodbye to her, and here I was–with hair and eye color she’d never seen before, speaking a different language with a different rhythm in a different voice, even smelling a bit different probably—informing her that I was her umma? Suddenly it sounded ridiculous even to me.
Many babies are younger when they come from Korea. They may miss their foster mothers but not associate any specific word with their thoughts of them. Many adoptive parents also see calling themselves “omoni” as a loving sign, not only of their acceptance of their child, but of the fact that their family is now enriched by a new culture.
But at that moment holding my near-toddler daughter, I made up my mind that she already had an umma, and that was okay. Like keeping her Korean name as a middle name instead of the middle name I’d planned, it was an acknowledgement (right for me, not necessarily anyone else) that someone had filled that role in her life while she was in Korea.
I would be her mommy, and if I acted like a mommy, she’d know what the word meant soon enough.
Please see these related blogs:
Naming, Claiming, and Letting Go
Traveling to Our Daughter Part Three: Going Home