There is a long history of the challenges faced in a relationship between mothers and daughters. One challenge that you may not be familiar with, but that researchers are finding a great deal of impact in is the perception mothers and daughters have about a daughter’s weight. Studies have found that their views of a daughter’s body image are radically different.
Your daughter may view herself very accurately in terms of their weight, but as mothers, we tend to see them far thinner than they may actually be. When a child is thin, we may want their weight to be a little higher to see them as ideal.
This is great on the one hand because mothers can contribute to a positive body image. We can help bolster their self-confidence and self-esteem. The problem is that sometimes this viewpoint can limit a mother’s perceptions of a real issue with obesity cropping up. It’s also harder on a daughter if a mother is overweight as well. She may view herself more negatively in comparison to other girls with mothers who may have average weight mothers.
Our Daughters, Our Selves
As daughters, we define ourselves in contrast and comparison to our own mothers. This is true and based not only on their views of us, but also how they look and treat themselves. When a mother treats herself and her body with respect and caring, she is teaching her daughter to do the same. If a mother is self-loathing or doesn’t take care of herself or make the effort to do so, she is demonstrating a bad example for her daughter.
Our children are beautiful. We see beauty in every smile and every touch and every hug and every laugh. But it can take them a long time to see the same. We are harder on ourselves than anyone else can be. We need to remember this when our daughters tell us how fat they are. Don’t dismiss it, don’t wave it off as silly – listen and respond and respect their viewpoint. Then share your own.
Recently my daughter, who is in great shape, nearly perfect in proportion told me she felt fat because she is very athletically built and the other girls in her class are not. I reminded her that beauty comes in different shapes and sizes and she doesn’t have to look like them to be pretty. Nor does she have to look like them to be considered thin.
I asked her if she felt pretty and she said most of the time. Then I asked her if she felt I was pretty and she said, all of the time. I told her that was how I felt about her. I thought she was pretty all the time. She laughed and nodded and that was that. I know we’ll have that conversation again and again – and every time I do a workout – I recognize that I am reinforcing her belief in taking care of herself and her positive viewpoint of herself – and every time she grins at me and tells me I’m pretty – she is helping me reinforce my positive viewpoint of myself.
How do you help your daughter’s self-image?
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