If you are not a temperamentally intense person, it can be difficult to understand a temperamentally intense child. I am definitely not what you would call an intense person, I’m pretty easygoing and generally go with the flow. Dylan, on the other hand, is very intense. He reacts to things, both positive and negative, in a very strong way. It is never difficult to know what he thinks about something.
Children with intense temperaments bring a depth of experience into our worlds that we have not previously known, if we are not intense ourselves. When they laugh, it comes from deep within and they laugh so hard you may have to remind them to breathe. When they get excited, their excitement is contagious but it can also sometimes send them a little bit out of control. When an intense child is upset, you know it in no uncertain terms and the whole neighborhood probably does too. As infants their cries are loud and piercing and as toddlers their tantrums are tremendous.
Parenting an intense child can be difficult at times. I have found that learning more about intense children has helped me to understand Dylan’s intense reactions more as well as develop strategies for working through them with him. It was important for me to seek that information out, because I am not a very intense person and I was having trouble understanding why he has those types of reactions to things that are no big deal to me.
One concept that I have found very useful is the idea of trying to stay in the “green zone” versus sliding into the “red zone”. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka talks about this idea in her book “Raising Your Spirited Child”. It is a fairly easy concept to understand – the green zone is a place where emotions are small and easier to manage, and the red zone is a place where the emotions are big, intense, and frenzied. If you are able to see that your child is becoming frustrated, disappointed, concerned, or experiencing another emotion that could send them over the edge into the red zone, you may be able to step in and help them work through it before that happens. Each child has his or her unique cues that can let you know when this is happening. For example, some may begin pushing rules and boundaries, others may become more and more animated. If you can learn what your child’s cues are and work through the emotion before it overwhelms them, you can often prevent a tantrum or other explosive experience.
Of course, reading about a concept is one thing and implementing it in real life is another. I do my best to pick up on Dylan’s cues and work through things with him when he is calm and receptive to the information that I am giving him. We still have our moments, though, and those usually happen when I am too distracted or rushed to notice that he is headed for the red zone. With time I hope to be able to teach him how to let me know when he is beginning to get overwhelmed so that we can work together to remain calm and get through the situation.
Photo by dhannte on morguefile.com.