Separation, divorce, and single parenting are just some of the ways that our families can experience pain and suffering—other changes like death, illness, a move, etc. can all be ordinary life situations that bring about grief and pain. While we may think we do a pretty decent job of dealing with them at the time, it is quite common for old wounds to come up again and again—especially for our children. There may be things that they are not developmentally able to cope with at the time that resurface and need to be healed at a later date. As single parents, part of our job is to help our children (and ourselves) heal from these old wounds so we can continue moving into our bright futures!
Creating an environment where emotions and issues can be dealt with is important. In families that have experienced divorce, separation, remarriage, or other major crisis-type changes, it can take all our effort just to get through each day and hold things together. Dealing with our children’s pain can seem like more than we can handle. However, if we don’t create a nurturing environment where issues can be worked on, our children will act out in other, more dangerous and painful ways. Making sure that the lines of communication are open and feelings are welcome helps, but we also need to pay attention to the ways our children are expressing themselves and create ways to process through the old wounds.
If it seems like your child is getting stuck, or is revisiting some painful old wounds that you feel unable to deal with—it might be time to call in a specialist and get some family therapy to help you to all deal with things in a healthy way. Even if you had therapy or counseling at the time of the divorce, it may be necessary to go back a few years later for a “check up.” It is normal to expect that when children are going through new changes or developmental leaps (adolescence, for example) that old wounds and issues might come up in a new way.
See Also: Keeping a Realistic Perspective and Expecting Too Much During Times of Crisis and Transition